By Grace, For Glory

snowed in

2012-01-25T09:54:00.000-05:00

My winter eyes searched for color in the bleak scenery
As if the crimson, emerald, and sapphire had run in their first wash
And had drowned themselves in pipes far distant from here
I would be alone with the white, the haze, the mist
Either that or the sharp outlines of shadows in my soul.

Without those vibrant hues to keep me company,
Images of abandonment closed in over my head
Faster than the snow was piling against my window.
My basement room was blocked from gentle beams of light
While the snow grew deeper than my thoughts.

Snow Master, Heaven Lord, where am I?
…Sunken, stranded, snowed in...
And then! drops of grace pouring down my windowpane
Becoming pools of water that fill my lonely eyes.
Melting walls, rainbow light, iceless sidewalks: the advent of your rain.

God has not rejected his people whom he foreknew.

So too at the present time there is a remnant, chosen by grace.

But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works;

otherwise grace would no longer be grace.

Romans 11:2, 5 - 6

starry host

2012-01-22T21:21:00.001-05:00

[inspired by stargazing in TN and "Cactus in the Valley" by Lights]

Dusty flour
Sprinkled through the sky
Million-fold population
Just particles
Air & matter
We are
No glory of our own
Until you lit us
And we live
Alive

I felt the dark
Between my fingers
Blindfolded
Encased in sorrow
Letting the unlit
Define me
Forgotten membership
Among the starry host
Of witnesses
Ignited

Dearly known
Counted tenderly
An imperfect galaxy
Now filled with
Flickering inconsistencies
Like me
All lit by love
Which cannot die out
We are bright
Eternally

thorns

2012-01-13T12:13:00.000-05:00

I gazed into the distance
And fear filled my foreground.
To prevent further blurring
I lined my sight with walls.

Keeping company with no one,
I saved myself from suffering.
My dwelling place of safety
Destroyed me from inside.

When gentle animals invaded
My comfortable, quiet peace,
I added barbed wire to my outsides
And preempted new growth and change.

I walked about my little land
My eyes roved over my earth
I saw nothing living, only dead,
And my vision faded like my hope.

With my distorted sight and little help
I knew the tripping was about to start
I predicted the fall – it would be hard –
But I didn’t expect such thorns.

I gathered them up into my hands
And fashioned a bitter crown of thorns
So all would pity my lone estate
And rescue me from self-created walls.

But before my crown was finished though
Thorns were pricking through my shoes
My feet gave way, my stability swayed
And I lay silently on the ground.

Dizzy, I couldn’t bear to open my eyes
I was frightened of deserved condemnation
Looking up at the stars, my vision cleared
And from enclosed reality, I'm released.

Why build up walls, limit love
When love will find me either way?
I am not equipped to see myself
So I’m begging you, Love…

Be here, be here, to stay.

You make beautiful things out of the dust.

on truth

2011-12-15T15:38:00.000-05:00

It was the brightest star that I had ever seen and you tossed it into my hands. I caught it in my open palms... How it pricked me! I hadn't expected its many points to leave the myriad of miniature punctures and unsightly scratches that I saw as I dropped it hurriedly to the ground. It was so heavy! I was quite taken aback. How could something so beautiful be so... distressing? I decided to leave well enough alone. What need had I for this enchanting, perplexing object? I would go on as before.

But I was changed. I couldn’t get the many-pointed star out of my mind. It drew me by secret strings I could only feel and never name. I thought of it every night in my silent, deep blue bed. So perfect, so whole, so impossible. I longed to hold it again. In the mornings, I pushed all of those shards of hope and desire out of my mind. One cannot live a life based on pictures that can only be seen at the peak of night.

Again and again, the vision returned, for it had become such in my continual midnight wanderings. Night after night... until I found I needed it. I needed not just the vision, but the star itself. I needed it to be mine, needed to feel it, needed it's light. I began to grow sick for want of it. What was reality without it? Curiously enough, I was bound to something I had rejected.

And so the turning point: I realized I was spending more time thinking about the star than anything else, day or night. I was going to find that star or find, once and for all, that it could not be found again.

As I searched, my glimpses were becoming longer and my gaze was getting clearer. Oh, I was approaching. I met with discouragements, yes, but what of those? I was following the star. Perhaps it was moving which is why it always seemed so far away. It certainly seemed to be.

One day, I arrived. The star - my star - was within arms' reach. I was so close. But then everything about my past and the story of our relationship, the one of the star and myself, I mean, came rushing into my mind. Was I crazy? Yes, I was. After all, who dashes all over the earth after something that has only existed in the wee hours of the night for years? Apparently, I was that person. Flashbacks. I remembered the pain... Surely it wasn't that bad. I saw the blinding light in my eyes once more and could barely look at anything at all. I recollected how quickly I had let the star slip from me on account of its weight. I was afraid to come nearer. But I had to! And so I did. It was at once burning my fingers, piercing my hands, singing in my grasp, rejoicing at my touch. It had wanted me as much I wanted it too.

Oh! I could not handle it. It was too big, too bright, too wonderful for me. As I was valiantly holding the star, it outgrew me and I saw I could not keep it for myself. How I loved it though... I would gaze at it for hours, fascinated more every second and at peace each flitting moment.

And I was happy there. I didn't mind the days and the nights were sheer beauty. I had found what I was looking for and more. What had drawn me had not disappointed me, only left me in awe. In capturing all my affections, I was freed to love. This star was everything to me and will be until the end of time.

Pain is not proof that you are going the wrong way, only that you need to walk further.

"Why, you're hurting me now."

"I never said it wouldn't hurt you. I said it wouldn't kill you."

- The Great Divorce, C S Lewis.

"If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

- John 8: 31, 32

affection

2011-12-11T22:12:00.001-05:00

[inspired by "Sinking," by Blood and Water and Job 19]

I was gulping blue-green water
When I should have been reaching up for air.
I was sinking faster than before
Doubting my choice to care.

I was at peace about the future
Unflustered by thoughts of drowning.
I was contented in my odd estate
Knowing the fruitlessness of frowning.

I should have listened when you told me:
Fish are harmless, swim away
But hurt feelings linger longer
Barnacles that come and stay.

I guess the sea had drenched my clothes
For I was down deeper every second.
I couldn’t imagine redeeming power,
Fearing myself and rather hesitant.

I was swallowing what brought me death
How I needed sure protection.
You gave me gills, you freed my fins
And I’m assured of your affection.

~

Somehow all that matters now is: You are holy.

For I know that my Redeemer lives,
and at the last he will stand upon the earth.
- Psalm 19:25

being thankful

2011-11-26T00:15:00.001-05:00

It's midnight and I don't feel like sleeping, so I am just going to write. That okay? Cool : ) If I sound childish... well, yeah. It's probably because I am at times.

This Thanksgiving: I don't know quite how to describe it, but it was very different than any I've had before. I think I liked it in the end, although certainly not in the beginning or in the middle. But the amount I like something is not always good indicator of whether or not it should have happened. I think in this case, I am glad that everything happened the way it did.

Tuesday was an unhappy day. So was Wednesday. Not completely unhappy, but little things just bothered me a lot. Oh, and half of Thursday was really unhappy. I don't like being thankful when I am unhappy. You know, I often think that I really shouldn't have to be thankful during those times either. Probably I am wrong. God says to be thankful at all times, right? Yeah, He does.

This has been a good week for fighting with God and with family. Because I want what I want and only what I want. Being me, I usually want my family and friends and life to be perfect. If I don't get what I want and things are not perfect, I am unhappy. (... I have yet to come to terms with the idea that a perfect life isn't possible here on earth.) I say it has been "a good week for fighting" because everything is so much worse when you know you are supposed to be thankful, but are ever so far from that.

God uses the strangest things to remind of what really matters. A frustrating Thanksgiving service at my church. A frustrating conversation with my family. A few frustrating nights. My Father invented forgiveness and gave it to each of us. With Him, I can be thankful in every circumstance. He is bigger than my reasons and excuses for self-pity.

I can't say that frustration is my chosen method for learning to be thankful, but hey, I don't think I have much of a say on this. I serve a God who loves me and loves to change my perspective. He continues to teach me that actually, life is not about me. Life is about love, which is about putting others first and serving them. And, honestly, loving others is much more fun and much more rewarding than loving myself.

Just thinking about this semester now... I have so much to be thankful for. Classes, extra-curriculars, and life in general is amazing. I love my home. My college friends are incredible, encouraging, and a second family. I get to see both of my real sisters every day. Technology exists to keep in touch with far away friends.

Goodness, so much grace. I don't think I can handle this. I guess I should start by being thankful... : )

For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve,

and to give his life as a ransom for many.

Mark 10:45

where victims become victors

2011-11-20T19:22:00.001-05:00

This is the chair
That once resided in a dungeon
That met a mercy like sandpaper
That was redeemed beyond recognition.

This is the table
Which nobody had thought to wash
Which stood tireless and silent
Which has felt the weight of glory.

This is the window
But its smudgy pane was a source of distress
But its splintery frame prevented close vision
But it has seen a beauty deeper than all else.

This is the atrium
With a ceiling higher than every tree
With the dust of former days swept away
With purest light flooding every corner.

This is the palace
Where laughter is the air we breathe
Where all the beloved are wondrously weak
Where the victims become victors.

//wake up. you're alive. we're on your side.//

For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed.

Romans 13:11

smaller

2011-11-12T14:15:00.001-05:00

I looked up and suddenly a host of angry daggers were all pointing my direction. I should have been worried, but I didn’t mind the attention. I walked out of the door onto the path you had set before me. My companions, the daggers, never left me for a moment. We moved as one into golden fields, through tree-lined streets, under carefree clouds. I deserved my bondage and never imagined that hope could have a feeling.

/~/

You snapped your fingers and all of the daggers fell to the ground. You buried them deep under my feet. I should have been content, but the change was so sudden, so new. There I was, crying out: “I don’t understand. Mustn’t I face the reality you gave me? Is this love and why do you love me?” Then you responded softly, “Dearheart, you don’t need those daggers. I want to free you.” I was inconsolable now. “You can’t set me free. I always fall back. Always, always, always.” You told me that didn't matter to you. You said that you knew what always means much better than I do. That made me feel small, which I both resented and loved.

/~/

The daggers are still there, hidden under the earth and covered by bits of soil and rock. But I don’t need to dig them up to know that they are vanquished and lifeless.

endless hope.

2011-11-08T00:45:00.000-05:00

Uncategorized feelings.
Knotted clarity.
Minute frustrations.

Damned humanity.
Silent screams.
Pulsating shadows.

Unbroken forgiveness.
Simplest resolution.
Brightest love.

~

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you;

He will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Ps 55:22

majesty

2011-11-07T11:30:00.002-05:00

Half awake //in a fake empire//
Awaiting the day
When our eyes will open fully.
Golden courts {of eternal peace}
Awaiting our arrival
With Your promises filling the sky.

...but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty.

2 Peter 1:16

undivided

2011-11-02T08:40:00.003-04:00

I’m walking amidst snowflakes

Dancing ‘tween drifts of grace.

Heaven’s gift is lightly falling

Making smooth a jagged surface.

Ditches and hillocks now are level

Forming one consistent layer.

Brown leaves and branches covered

In hopeful, humble prayer.

Because of lasting faithfulness

This snow You have provided.

Sky and earth today are unified

And You’ve got me: undivided.

He set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time,

to unite all things in Him, things in heaven and things on earth.

Col 1: 9,10

ice kitten

2011-10-23T23:00:00.000-04:00

He was sitting on my chest, purring.
Purring over and over again:
You are mine.
And I knew from that moment on
That I was chained to my secrets

He wasn’t going to bite me
My paralysis was sufficient
To mollify him
Into a haphazard contentment
Where he warmed me with coldest ice.

He paws me like his plaything
And then seems to disappear into the air.
Creeping back again
His pounce and swat remind me that
Freedom isn’t guaranteed with second chances

Remember how you give
Remember how you pray
Remember how you live
And drive your demons away
[[I see your love is bold and underlined]]

Little children, you are from God and have overcome them,

for He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

- 1 John 4:4

leaning

2011-10-22T19:36:00.000-04:00

You're the wedge between my heart and my mind
That keeps me from crushing myself
Under the weight of things I don't understand

Colors in array

2011-10-09T14:54:00.000-04:00

We danced blithely under laughing beams of light
A day of blue skies, soft breezes, and swaying grasses
We found our lives tangled seamlessly together
On account of the weather which we loved so desperately

Snow was a delight, rain a party and shadows brought on giggling
When we realized they were just quickly moving clouds.
The mist led to serious contemplation, soon overtaken by joy.
Even thunder befriended our meandering paths that day.

But like the sun, you slipped away (for no man halts the sunset)
I watched our colors fade and sink into a darkened line of trees.
No reason for tears, although they came all the same.
Nothing can be done about diminishing hours and growing distance.

Where chilly air once stilled my heart, I now feel only comfort
As my eyes adjust to darkness, no fear mars my vision.
For I am just as close to what we both saw in the sky
As when we gazed that direction together.

Although paths cease to cross when the world is dimmed,
I am content to remember the times I now miss.
A sunset cannot stop the light from existing
And melancholy night shall give way to triumphant morning.

october morning

2011-10-08T11:49:00.000-04:00

He rinsed the sky with brilliant color
And clothed the day in softest mist
He nudged the clouds to dance with the sun
Leaving me awestruck, delighted, kissed.

correlation

2011-10-02T19:55:00.000-04:00

Illusions of healing
Blocking out darkness
Shedding light abroad

What are emotions?

Nothing more than

Lying, convicting delusions

And they applauded
My gentle beauty
Smiled kindly down

They didn’t know

The hidden underworld

Where I live

Distance taught me
Resistance is futile
Perceptions never change

Why invite you

Into nonsensical whirlpools

You’d rather escape?

Holding their hands
Guiding them forward
A mutual admiration

Bringing them closer

To the hope

Ghosts cannot claim

Living above pain
A temporary fearlessness
What is discouragement?

Ignored encounters with

The correlation between

Salvation and love

And through Him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth

or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.

Col 1:20

garden

2011-10-01T14:51:00.001-04:00

I am the fruit of my own gardening
Watered with the music of lonesomeness
Nurtured by the shifting solidity of selftalk
Planted in a bed of rainbow chaos

Tart and bitter when raw
No lovelier when steamed
Falling apart when boiled
Glossing over when baked

Bring me to the fire
Where there I will disingetrate
I shrivel and am humbled
I shall cease to exist

As ashes I return
Finalized, romanticized, simplified
Now starting from the ground
I will let myself be grown

The chair in repair and the writing desk

2011-09-28T22:04:00.001-04:00

You said you’d stand by me forever
But as my sandpapered edges
Rubbed at your newly varnished surfaces
I wondered how long forever would be

regardless

2011-09-13T00:43:00.000-04:00

Gentle waves wash over my surface
Pulling away at my many layers of sand
Eroding my confidence in beauty
Taking what makes me whole
Shrinking my shores down to lonely rock.

What am I without my sands?
Can there be a scenic view without my defining feature?
Is there any value in one who promises to delight
But can offer nothing but a flat ground
Devoid of the freckled shells that once brought us joy.

Forlorn, I thought you had forsaken me.
I didn't know that my bareness was no shame
That your glassy waters have always seen through me
That the rock I had called my own was your stability
Faithful regardless of how little I had become.

You knew me when I didn't know myself
You saw my grasping at what I couldn't keep
You remained when all else was snatched away
You believed I was worth more than all the sands of the sea
You loved me at my unloveliest.

I am the LORD your God, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar—the LORD of hosts is his name. And I have put my words in your mouth and covered you in the shadow of my hand, establishing the heavens and laying the foundations of the earth, and saying to Zion, "You are my people."

Isaiah 51:15, 16

how the waves affect me

2011-09-04T09:37:00.000-04:00

You were my lighthouse
When I called out in the raging storm
That threatened to capsize me entirely
You were there
More present than the rain pouring down my masts
With sails that had long been bound from complete loss of direction
You were hope
That clouds could reveal a kinder sun
Which dries away all tears and fears of the past
You are love
Never minding how the waves affect me
Always bright regardless of your knowledge of my heartfelt thanks

forgotten

2011-08-25T20:08:00.002-04:00

[written June 18]

Memories hang in the air like a humidity I cannot escape.
Steps through dew-flecked grass trample lost stories.
The gnats forming vague clusters on the lawn
Are only thoughts hovering in the back of my mind.

The firefly that floats above my head reminds me of bright times
When sunset was the herald to peaceful rest.
Rocks like icebergs sunken into ground mark places
Where friendship kept my head above rushing waters of emotion.

Hidden fields of beauty appear as I venture father
Into what chills me, grabs me, and tangles my path.
Between scattered wildflowers and friendly trees, I stand
Knowing I would regret dreaming more than deciding to forget.

~

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.

Pr 29:25

my heart of blood and breath

2011-08-13T01:27:00.005-04:00

Regret is poison
Pumping through my veins
Unwanted, yet unchecked

Anxiety is a web
Tangling over my lungs
Spun tightly of my fears

Attachment was my antidote
Curing me into confidence
Internalized, expected

Affection was my defense
Stilling my attackers’ conquest
An unchanging protection

[Reliance is a mask
Leaving me exposed, lost, breakable
Pulled from my eyes like a cover]

Remove the antidote, enhance the poison
And my blood hardly contains the oxygen
That it mockingly promises the rest of me.

Weaken my defenses, let them fortify their stronghold
And my breath cannot exist without disillusionment
That dictates and retards my consciousness.

Rejection cut deep into my vital channels,
Deeper yet into what I had seen as my survival
Deepest still into my heart of blood and breath.

Helplessness brought me to your unfailing love
Would that I had your heart to replace my own
And could let your love be the contents of my heart.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

- 1 Cor 13: 7, 8

.voiceless.

2011-07-23T09:49:00.003-04:00

The empty air taunts me, teases me, tests my resolve
To remain silent, quiet, content to be alone.
I would open my mouth and breath deeply
Were it not for the fear of you who breathes deeper.

How can I live when I can't come up for air?
I feel my breath grow short within me.
My voice is soft when it is at all
For all you know, I am voiceless.

I am the one who cannot breathe, cannot speak
Suffocating in my own wonder world
Where perfection is reality and reality is always
Instead of everabundant dreams bursting at the seams.

If fireflies were glimmers of hope
And dew was a reminder of grace
It would matter little if I had a voice
Because Your love would be all that I could hear.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.

John 10:27

2011-07-12T18:10:00.002-04:00

[written June 8]

Like a warm front that envelops me,
Like a cold front that invades me,
You are the air that lifts my soul.

Your love is the sun that streaks the sky
The wind that tosses my hair into a golden brown cacophony
The faint backdrop of clouds that frame the light of day.

a story

2011-07-07T12:23:00.003-04:00

Today, I was really sleepy so I went out to the hammock for a nap. It was peaceful, just warm enough not to be hot, and breezy. I could hear the prep boys working in the background which made me feel lazy, but I put my ear buds in and went to sleep anyway.

Rocking back and forth, I soon found myself about to fall asleep, when a friend called. We talked for a few minutes until she had to run errands. Then I began to drift back into sleepyland. I dreamt about happy places, things, and people... I don't really remember which ones, but they were happy (now you know how my mind thinks :P).

Suddenly, I was awake. I guess the wind had rocked the hammock and I was jolted out of sleep. I was still rather tired, so I decided to sleep some more. A while later, I woke up again and decided I should probably go inside. I walked into my room and one of the girls got really frustrated with me for getting in the way. I felt bad about that.

Then, I woke up. I was still in the hammock, music was still playing in my ears. I had been dreaming the whole time! So, then, I got up, grabbing my phone as I went inside. I checked the time: 12:07pm. Wow, I had been napping for a really long time! I walked into the kitchen and everybody was mad at me for standing by the counter they were trying to use to lunch prep.

Just then, I jolted and found myself still in the hammock outside. Must have been dreaming again! I was completely done with these dreams and determined to fall out of the hammock onto the grass right below. That was sure to really wake me up!

I rolled out of the hammock onto the grass and felt the green blades between my fingers. :sigh: I made it out of dreamworld.

...Then I woke up, still in the hammock. I was completely confused and rather fed up. My eyes were really tired and didn't want to open. I tried to force them to open so I could know I was walking inside.

They wouldn't open. Great, I thought, so I am still asleep and I am having an internal conversation with myself about how to wake up. I made up a plan: the next time I felt jolted awake by the hammock swinging, I would jump out of the hammock onto the grass really fast and fall so hard I would know I was awake. I just needed to try a little be harder to jolt myself completely out of sleep.

I was awake again! I gathered all my resolve and dumped myself out of the hammock. Moments later, I found I was still lying in the hammock. Still dreaming? I tried again and again and again to get out of the hammock.

Finally, it came to me: I was paralyzed. My mind didn't realize I couldn't move and tried to get my out of the hammock. It imagined me walking all over the house and everything until the wind rocked the hammock and stopped my imagination. That made perfect sense why I couldn't talk when I had imagined I went inside. I was paralyzed. Of course everybody was mad at me - I wasn't talking to them!

Oh. Right. I am paralyzed. I can't move. I can't talk. I can't scream. I am stuck here until somebody finds me. This could take a while. Oh, well, it won't be my fault I didn't get help. So, I prayed. I prayed that this would be a temporary paralysis, that my family would take care of me, and that somehow I could still bless people. Communication... was about to get very hard.

I kept thinking and realized that my chin was probably not paralyzed. I have no idea how I knew this, but I did. I moved my chin up and down about half a centimeter. Well, this is interesting, I thought.

But I was still stuck, so I kept praying.

Suddenly, the hammock twitched again and I could feel both of my eyes open. I could feel them open! I poured myself onto the grass just like I had told myself I would. I took my phone, pulled my earbuds out of my ears, and walked inside. Every breath felt new, like I was creating a piece of the world by breathing.

Inside, I realized how heavy I was breathing. People asked me if I was okay and I told them I had been dreaming. I actually told them. Words came out of my mouth and they heard them. I walked down to Wendell's office. Walked!

I am now writing this story down and singing along with Billy's music. There you have it. I don't quite understand, but I have a new appreciation for life, the place God has put me in, and for cold water.

resetting, resolving

2011-07-03T12:11:00.006-04:00

Inverted suitcases, open drawers

Closet hangers on the floor

Messy sink, overturned sheets

Disarray describes her cupboard space

Searching and seeking, she circled her room

For hopes she'd misplaced and joys she'd confused

As lies when darkness had struck late last night

And bound all clear answers away from her sight.

Now trying to find what she once had held,

She began franticly looking until she fell

Into her bed, exhausted, muted

Questioning if apathy could be refuted.

Despairing of hope, yet hoping to live

She reset her room and decided to leave

What cannot be grasped and neither be seen

As lost, forgotten, needless dreams.

Fixed on reality, she resolved to go on

[But all she really wanted was to be found]

I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.

John 10: 28, 29

.fragments.

2011-06-17T13:16:00.001-04:00

[written Oct. 19]

As the world fragments about me,
Breaking apart in my hands,
Cracking at my every footstep,
I stand fearlessly on my Rock
Secure in His power
Shining His light.

thunderstorm

2011-06-05T08:52:00.003-04:00

Your power is a thunderstorm

Covering the ground with blessings

Demanding the attention of Your people.

A forgiving destruction, a beautiful grey

The thunderstorm only magnifies the true light

After the clouds have passed in their time.

I can no more deny your wonder

Than I could fail to hear your storm

Which surrounds and haunts my being.

knots and combs

2011-05-31T23:04:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I feel like a little girl who has just woken up into a bright morning after a long fitful sleep. Her mom asks her to brush her hair before coming down to breakfast. Happily, she trots off to find her hair brush. She always was one of those eager-to-please types. Starting at the top of her head, she works her way down to the tips of her hair. Her gentle pulls through her long dark hair eventually become short tugs on bits of the knotted mess she finds at the bottom.

She tries again. Back up to the top and brushing down slowly, until she hits the tangled spot again. This time around, she begins in the middle and resolves to quickly brush through the knot.

No better success.

With a little sigh and determination written on her face, the little girl finds the tangle and works it carefully with her fingers. The world around her, the sunshine pouring through the window, the messy sheets on her bed... everything becomes a backdrop to the girl's trivial, all-encompassing task.

With a little more time and a little more patience, she knows it will come out.

A little more time and a little less patience... and the tangle is still there. Her trusty brush, her wide-tooth comb, her favorite green one with her name on it, and even her small fingers have all been found incapable of working out the knot she knows she must smooth.

"Oh, forget it!" She plops down onto her bed. "I can't do it. And I tried too. I mean, really tried." Her little minds goes around in miniature circles. "I can't do this! I shouldn't have to do this! I want breakfast! Why do I have to brush my hair to eat breakfast? Why isn't anybody here to help me? How can Mom expect me to be able to brush my hair when it's impossible? I hate my hair."

Soon, she feels tears running down her cheeks. Tears of frustration turn to tears of despair.

The door creaks open lightly. It's Mom. "Darling, why didn't you ask me for help?" Mom seats the little girl on her lap and hugs her tightly. With a complete view of the knot, the girl's mother has no trouble untangling the twisted mess. "Dear heart, some things are bigger than you can see, but you never have to try to solve them on your own. Don't ever be afraid to ask, okay? I will always be here for you."

~~~

God, will you comb through my knots and untangle my foolish heart?

trust is all we have tonight (but trust will be forever)

2011-04-26T20:49:00.008-04:00

[musings, rantings, etc running through my mind]

God, I am so tired of this. I am tired of seeing my friends crumpled under the pain of living on earth. I could stop myself from thinking about it, but that won’t change the reality of their difficulties. Can’t you have a world peace day when all of my friends get a breather from all of the expectations being put on them, from the memories that haunt them, from the weakness that plagues them, from the pride that lies to them, from the insincerity they cannot escape? Please?

Be still and know that I am God.

I will not be still. God! Please, a cure. Healing. Rest. You define all of those things. Why all this pain? I know you want to refine us. I know that you love us THROUGH these things. But oh, give us strength.

Not only do I give strength, I AM your strength.

God! These are your people. Why aren’t you taking care of them?

Since when do you know what it means to take care of somebody? Believe that I am who I say and am. Trust. You know I love them.

I can’t see it!

And I suppose its not love unless you can see it with your weak eyes? Child, when will you trust me?

"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed."

Daughter, I feel their pain. I feel it more than you do. I hate it as much as you do. But I know what I am doing. I died to give them life.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations."

[forgiven]

2011-04-24T01:09:00.008-04:00

All I seem to think about these days is forgiveness. Its been the theme of this semester... a beautiful, beautiful theme. I am so humbled. It's been wonderful to experience God's forgiveness, to claim that grace as my own, and to learn to forgive others.

I think it wasn't until last semester showed me the blackness of my trespasses that I've been able to see the beauty of His forgiveness. Before then, I was already familiar with failure, incompetency, and weakness. That's part of being human; it can't be helped. God works through that because He's awesome like that.

But I don't think there is anything more painful that realizing that you have completely sinned against God, ignored the advice of family and friends, and paved your own path to destruction. God called me to be holy and I said that I could define what holy is.

~~~

I've struggled with "accepting myself" or whatever you want to call it for the longest time. You already know that. 85% of the time I walk around feeling guilty about something... usually, I have no idea what. Finding that I was 100% guilty for disobey God's rules was not very happy. None of this, "Well, I tried to follow you, God, but I failed." Oh no, I was like, "God, you want this direction? Okay! I'll go the other way, k?"

Weakness hurts one way. It's like letting down your best friend or mother. You know they'll still love you, but you wish things had turned out differently. Guilt hurts quite another way. It seems wrong to cry out to God for help because you know you don't deserve any. And besides the fact that you don't deserve help, there is no reason God should help you even if He was being nice. There is this little thing called consequences... and you will just have to bear them.

Why then does He forgive us? It's as if everything I did wrong had never happened. Why? This is not what I deserve! What kind of justice is this?

Child, I decide justice. The price has already been paid. The debt has been filled. The guilt is erased. My Son died to give you life. I love you. Live out your life as one ransomed from exile and resurrected from the dead.

~~~

I have tried to logically reason my way through forgiveness, but I can't do it. God's love is more powerful that my failure, guilt, neediness, and pride. Accepting and submitting to His forgiveness means letting go of the past and living as a completely new individual. I have to go make right what I made wrong, having faith in God's second chances. Not the easiest thing to do... but, goodness, life is hopeful.

But He was wounded for our transgressions;

He was crushed for our iniquities;

upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace,

and with His stripes we are healed.

~Is 53: 5

But this is nothing new

2011-04-03T01:34:00.001-04:00

When greys diffuse into dark and light,
You’re already lost without a fight.
As you’re falling down a deep abyss,
Your shady days seem like a past world’s bliss.
Senses frozen, you consider finality
When static cuts in and becomes your reality.
With each cycle downward, redemption grows stronger
And a forgiving light makes peacetime last longer.

But this is nothing new.

You’re beyond minding these tear-worn patterns,
The vortex renders you permanently battered.
Oh! Short-lived freedom is your existence
I know how you doubt next time’s persistence.
Now you quiver, missing reckless abandon
Of spiraling down, control out of the question.
Will the poetry lacing your feeble heart
Cause rejection of healing ‘fore it gets the chance to start?

To live without love is not what we're for
We'll make it the year we find the cure

raindrops

2011-03-10T11:34:00.001-05:00

Raindrops fall
Tracing patterns on my windowpane
Pouring onto the cement
Reluctant to sink into the ground

Raindrops unite
Finding their home with the fallen
Pooling on the cement
Searching for an even place to live

Raindrops freeze
Interlocking against the cold
Sparkling on the cement
Caving to winter’s desperate demands

Raindrops sparkle
Ignoring my fears of slipping

Layering over the cement
Ensuring my path is treacherous

Raindrops melt
Losing their identity and structure
Puddles on the cement
Reflecting sun beams dancing with clouds

God, can I be your puddle?

umbrellas

2011-03-06T23:24:00.003-05:00

[assorted thoughts and the beginnings of a post I'm trying to write for the ICC tumblr]

Its nearly been two months since the IGNITE and I still find this event completely unforgettable. A hundred and fifty people praying, speaking, learning, worshipping, talking, eating, growing together for five days. Community. Fire.

Between January 13 and 17, ICC hosted its very first winter retreat at a gorgeous campsite in Tennessee. While I have never been more mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted in my life, it was such a beautiful time. At IGNITE, we had a national qualifying tournament, loads of forums about every aspect of communication, a giant game of Ignopoly (otherwise know as Monopoloy, ICC-style), worship times every morning and evening, and a stunning view of a lake just down the hill. In the midst of all of that activity, God chose to teach me things that I’ve needed to learn for a long time and will still be learning for the rest of my life: God wants me to live in community with others.

Which brings me to umbrellas. Somewhat unrelated I know, but stick with me. When its raining outside, I can either find myself an umbrella or decide to get wet. I usually opt to get wet. I like the feel of the rain in my eyes and being unencumbered by holding the umbrella. Now, let’s suppose I have a friend who offers to share their umbrella with me. Usually, I’d thank them but prefer to stay in the rain. But what happens it if never stopped raining and I never took shelter under the umbrella? I’ll get soaked and probably sick too.

God doesn’t promise our lives will always be happy. Sometimes, life will look like an endless string of rainy days. Sure, I can survive the rain by myself for a while, but only for a while. There comes a point when standing out in rain becomes dangerous. Don’t wait that long. There are people all around you holding out umbrellas to you. Maybe you think they are judging you. Maybe you think they won’t understand. Maybe you think you’ll still get sick anyway. How do you know that until you’ve actually joined your friend under the umbrella? God wants to protect us. Find an umbrella and begin to live again.

God promises He will always be with us. When we forget that He is there and get worked up over our own little issues, He sends somebody to remind us that safety, warmth, and healing exist. Ducking under an umbrella doesn’t make you a wimp or a copycat. God wants for all of to us live together under the protection of His love, refusing to leave His umbrella and inviting others to join us.

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
~John 10:10

How He Loves

2011-02-27T13:32:00.007-05:00

My family doesn't just love me. They like me too. As in, they like who I am. They make me so happy. :blissful smile:

Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.

For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.

~Is 30: 18 - 21

stories

2011-02-16T22:57:00.001-05:00

“Child,” said the Voice, “I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own.”

~Aslan in The Horse and His Boy, CS Lewis

smiling

2011-02-14T22:04:00.005-05:00

Holidays are an amazing invention. They remind you to be thankful.

Today, I am oh so thankful. :] I am thankful for friends and trust, for sisters and second chances, for parents and belief, for God and grace.

I think if I were super awesome like Solomon and God asked me what I wanted, I'd request humility. As I realize I cannot hold life together myself, I am humbled. And in that humility, I can see God more clearly.

For me, humility means asking God to live life for me every single day. It means accepting God's love. It means believing how valuable I am.

...That sounds all backwardsy. What I mean is: my pride gets in the way of admitting I am human. When failure strikes, I remember that I am dust. I wasn't designed to win at life. I was designed to love God.

YAY for failure reminding me of how awesome God is and awesome I'm not. I'm a fan. YAY for needing God and being lost without His love. Its beautiful to find myself incomplete and know there is completion in Him, to find myself empty and know that there is only warmth, security, and acceptance in His arms.

Today is such a wonderful day.

Thank you, everybody, for being alive. Knowing humans like you is incredibly encouraging.

Longsuffering

2010-12-06T16:50:00.002-05:00

As I sit in the dark and quiet,
He comes to me
Whispering so quietly
I cannot differentiate his words
From my own breath.

He tells me things I used to know
And once believed
Before daylight had broken.
“Child, why all this pride and confidence?
What makes you special?”

…Have I lied to myself about me?
Am I nothing?
The insignificant.
I share my brokenness with humanity.
Enough with self-pity!

His chanting closes in about me.
I cannot escape
But begin to whimper.
“You are valueless, not priceless.
Get over yourself.”

Long ago, before the lights were dim,
Someone promised me
Everlasting day.
But now I feel this rescue is but
A fairytale.

Hours later, I discover his threats
Had numbed my heart.
Consciousness returns!
Masquerading as a knight, this dragon
would eat my soul.

I call out for lights and candles.
None are brought here.
…My wavering voice!
My hope falters and I atrophy
When light pours in.

Then someone picks me up gently
I am found.
With my ears deafened,
I hadn’t heard someone proclaiming
I am precious.

I'm not taking this silence any more.
Someone is singing
And my voice shall join.
It is a song of longsuffering love.
This song ignites me.

~

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

fall

2010-11-04T22:36:00.003-04:00

Leaves turn,
Wind blows,
Voices echo.
The end is near.

Staunch the pain.
Close up the clouds
That rain down tears.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?

In vain, do I mourn
The close of things
That must be closed.
For tonight, I am golden.

I wish for eternal summer
Frolics in a green world.
[I cannot return to a month
Once its been torn from the calendar]

Instead, winter advances daily.
The empty trees watch
As silence and I grow closer.
We bond in the windchill.

If I were hollow and numb,
None of it would matter.
But spring lives deep in my heart.
I cannot surrender this hope.

Illuminate

2010-10-20T12:03:00.002-04:00

It grows darker here, day by day.

I thought it would get brighter.

I was wrong.

So young, so hopeful, so happy

I tossed some scattered sunshine into the air

It was a lovely sight.

The glistening droplets danced in the sky

Falling to the ground

Dull

Undaunted, persistent, curious

I reached into my pocket for more

It was empty.

Oh, where can I replenish my pockets?

How shall I be full enough to try again?

I wept in silence.

I go about my days in search of light,

Despairing of it ever being found.

I am a wandering heart.

I tried spreading about some colored stones

That I found in my book bag one day.

People only tripped.

But meandering through an empty field,

I found light thrust upon me:

“You are the light of the world.”

Suddenly changing, reforming, redoubling

My pocket exploded in a thousand directions.

There was no stopping this light.

I cried, “Let me illuminate this world!

I don’t want anything else.

My life in exchange for your light.”

Light up! Light up!
(as if you had a choice)

You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.

(I really do care)

2010-10-07T00:27:00.002-04:00

I wanted to comfort you

(I really do care)

But all that came to mind

Were words,

Meaningless and empty.

I wanted to encourage you

(I really do care)

But all that I could see

Were my inadequacies,

Paralyzing and hurtful.

I wanted to heal you

(I really do care)

But all that I could find

Was my broken heart,

Confused and yearning...

I wanted to love you

(Nothing else really matters)

But all that I could do

Was love Him first,

Trusting and hopeful.

I fall in love with the ones that run me through,

when all along all I need is You.

Lord, save me from seeking You that I might love others better.

Let me seek You for Your sake alone.

Lord, purify my heart that I might depend solely on You.

Let my love be replaced with Yours.

Wretched man that I am!

Who will deliver me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

an author

2010-09-30T14:23:00.003-04:00

I'm the author of a book.

I call it "How to Fail at Life."

Its a pretty simple guide...

I've tried it, maybe once or twice.

I'll never get it published though:

People tell me that, in life,

There's only space for one Author

and that author isn't me.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

...every breath is a second chance...

only and already

2010-09-29T12:11:00.002-04:00

We’re all dying to love,

While being loved is the only way to life.

We want to prove ourselves,

When all that matters has already been proven.

...I remember two things, that I am a great sinner,

and that Christ is a great Saviour.

John Newton

offerings

2010-09-28T23:28:00.005-04:00

I bring you the pieces of what I called my life.

This frustrated rebel finds peace only in humility.

Praise be to the One whose scars cover my rebellion.

And I realize the reason You came

{hallelujah}

2010-09-27T00:46:00.003-04:00

With every victory, comes defeat.

Praise be to Him who has overcome the world.

We are a world of broken hearts.

Thanks be to Him who heals all wounds.

In other news, I've missed blogging. Perhaps, my blog will live again. And perhaps, I will learn to write poetry.

everyday restoration

2010-06-16T23:42:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, I live inside of myself, lost in my little emotional world. I take everything personally and find meanings where none existed. Everything relates back to something else that makes me more miserably far away from God.

Other times, I live externally, focused on the things and people in the world. Everything I do is fun and happy, but I know the joy is hollow. Today was one of those days. Nothing was wrong, except that I couldn’t feel God.

Now, I don’t always have to feel God to know He exists. Just it is a whole lot easier to believe in somebody you can experience or are experiencing. I don’t care if it’s His love or His reproof I feel: I just want to know He is close. I hate being far away.

All the same, sometimes I am far away. My internal life makes me depressed. My external life is a hypocrisy. I somehow I want to combine my inner thought world and my outer action world… like where soul meets body?

{The further I’m from You, the harder I try to exist.}

Today, I was mad at God because I didn’t know where I stood with Him. I couldn’t feel Him and it was my fault. It’s always my fault if I can’t feel God. God is always there, so it can’t possibly His fault. But… why am I supposed to do all the work for this relationship? I thought He was supposed to save me!

But seriously, this has been annoying me for a very long time. Do we come to God? Or does God meet us where we are? Are we supposed to seek God and beg for forgiveness, even when we don’t know what there is to seek or repent? Or will God find me and whip me into shape?

{Take these blinds from my eyes and wake me from the inside}

Today I got an idea about the answer. It’s not about coming to or being met by God: it’s quite simply about needing Him. When it’s finally clear that you can’t keep your life together, call out to God and you can see Him. When you don’t how you’re going to get through, God appears and you can see Him.

The thing is, for any of that to happen, I need humility. Unless I am aware of my need for God, I can’t experience Him. And, this week, that was my exact problem. I read my Bible, prayed, encouraged others… all under the impression that I was okay and remembering that God was vaguely somewhere around me. Just, I didn’t need God. God was kind of my buddy that I hung out with for a bit in the morning and talked about with other people. This has been a week of unintentionally insincere love, coming from myself and not from God.

{I'm sorry my love failed again}

I don’t know how long it would have gone on like this, but tonight I took a walk outside and decided to talk it out with God. I told Him He was lame for making me do all the seeking. I told Him I didn’t know where I stood and He should hurry up and tell me, because I didn’t like the uncertainty. All of that didn’t make me feel much better. Instead, I just felt farther away from Him.

He gave me this verse (yes, again) and told me to be content with not always feeling Him.

I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

–Ps 116:9

I don’t have to worry about feeling Him… just keep walking before Him. But, if I am walking before Him, I have to be aware of what He wants in everything. I have to look at Him, know Him, serve Him. And thus ended my pride and began my restoration to the land of the living.

I am humbled. I can’t be close to somebody who I don’t need or love. That should have been obvious, but it took a while for me to discover that. Now, the question remains: how to need and love God every moment of my life? I don’t have that one down yet, but when I do, I’ll add the answer to this story of everyday restoration. Thanks for listening and loving.

fearless [confessions and rededication]

2010-04-25T14:45:00.000-04:00

This week, I thought I had it all together. Many things in my life finally began to make sense. I realized that God knew what he was doing with me. During my times of confusion and separation, God taught me about hope and told me He was my home.

Everything that had been wrong about this semester was suddenly okay, because I understood now. It was happy.

Until I fell.

I don't even know what I mean when I say that. It's like I fell back into everything I was before Masters: insecure, alone, and unwilling to be helped.

And, I don't even know why. Wait. I do. I think it was realizing that I really don't know how to reach out to people. I am such a listener! If people want to talk to me, I am there for them. But if people don't want to talk, even though it might help them, I'm no good. I don't know what to say what or what to ask.

I'm not any good at taking an interest in people either. If we share something in common, I'm better... but plain old "being friendly" and asking people about their day to day life is hard. I live inside of myself. I want to be focused on others, not just focused on how others relate to me.

And, so, realizing the areas I fail sent me spiraling downwards into everything I never wanted to be again. I hated everything about myself and hated that people existed. People are such a problem for me. While they encourage and love me, I can never do anything for them!

Eventually, I was okay again. Sort of. I was guilty for letting myself get down that far. I don't like it down there and thought I was past that. I'm not and don't know if I ever will be.

That realization hurts. It makes me not want to even try. I want to stay asleep so I don't have to face life. I want to live in the dark because remaining in the light is too difficult.

And, I don't like that this is how I am. And, I don't like that I'm telling you this, because now you'll know that I'm an everyday failure who forgets the truth. I'm afraid of what you'll think of me and I'm sorry I haven't lived up to everything you thought I was. Why am I telling you this then? You didn't have to know. I am telling you this because:

With my victory, comes my defeat.
Praise be to Him who has overcome the world.

Truth matters and I am telling you these things because I wanted you to know that truth is beginning to matter to me too.

I still have questions. I always will. But God loves me and that's enough.

I'm not afraid now. I choose the light. Again.

I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

-Ps 116: 9

Loving the alone and sick

2010-03-24T00:39:00.006-04:00

If I had to describe my thoughts and musings from my fall tour with CFC in one song, The Lost Get Found by Britt Nicole would be it.

Don't let your lights go down

Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

For as long as I can remember, loving others has featured as one of my main life goals. Tour took that desire to love others to a whole new level. I didn’t just want to be kind to the people I was with; I want to help them, save them.

Each year, CFC has a theme for all of the workshops and presentations that they do. Our theme was “Lead the Escape.” Every week on tour, the team and I did an hour-long presentation one evening about our theme. We discussed many reasons for and types of bondage: physical, spiritual, emotional… poverty, insecurity, lies, apathy, and hatred. In the end, we encouraged the audience to step beyond themselves and go out and help people who are trapped.

Even though I helped to present the program every week, it affected me a great deal. I got so tired and frustrated with telling people to lead the escape and doing nothing about the people around me who I knew were hurting.

So, I began having long chat conversations with people and praying for them regularly, always feeling like I wasn't doing anything to really help them break free.

One day on tour, I was talking with Michael about how I could help lead the escape for others.

Michael: So, what's been on your mind?
me: a lot
mostly, how do i love others?
and how can i help people who are broken?
Michael: so "how can I help people?"
;)
me: yeah
why the winky smile?
Michael: because.
everyone is broken.
so "how can I help people who are broken" might as well be "how can I help people"
me: i guess so

I really didn’t know what to do with Michael had said. In my mind, I was the person who was “okay,” who knew that joy exists and believed that God saves. As a Christian, it was my job to pull everybody else out into the light. I was “whole;” they were broken and lost. And, I needed to help them escape from that. It was always one-way love. It was always about me reaching down into a pit of lies and sin and showing people the sky and world above.

This sometimes made my conversations with people slightly awkward and every time I knew I had to say something, otherwise they might never hear the truth. (Don’t be afraid to stand out. That’s how the lost get found, right?)

-----

Right before the CO conference, almost the whole entire team came down with swine flu, me included. I was asleep almost all day on Sunday and was dizzy and headachy for maybe four days afterward. Some of the team got sick a day or two before me and some a few days after. Josh and I were both sick at pretty much the same time. I remember commiserating with him and hugging him a lot since we couldn’t make each other any worse. Another thing I remember is telling people who weren’t sick not to hug me because I would get them sick too. Tim didn’t listen and hugged me anyway.

I often tell myself I need to love like Tim did when the team had swine flu. I need to love unconditionally, no matter what the cost. I imagine myself as the one who is well helping out the one who sick.

But maybe…

I am sick too.

Maybe it isn’t my role to find people to save them as much as I should be a friend to those around me.

Learning about my own brokenness has somehow changed the way I seek to love others. Now, I want to sympathize with them, understand them, simply be with them.

During and after tour, my life’s motto was “Love must be sincere.” I thought about that phrase all the time and tried to live by it. Of course, I failed. As I learned more about sincere love, I saw places that my love was insincere. I couldn’t love my family and I hated myself for it. I came back to see the team over New Years and found I couldn’t love the team any better.

It was my failure at loving others that drove me to push God’s love for me away.

Through the course of Masters prep, God showed me that my love cannot be sincere unless He is the source of that love. God is the definition of sincere love and in order to love sincerely, I have to look to Him.

Learning that, along with finally admitting my own brokenness, opened my eyes to what it really means to love others. Now, I am at the same level as the rest of humanity. I can’t save people. I’m not any better than them. Sometimes, all I can do is be there for them and be there with them.

During Masters prep, I learned that God loved me enough to save me. I didn’t particularly appreciate being saved, seeing as I didn’t deserve it, but that was the truth and I couldn’t argue with it.

God’s love didn’t truly break through to me until the middle of Masters. When I found that he was on my side, willing to be with me through everything, caring about every detail in life, suddenly I could see that He loved me. That whole week, I had been dreading the end of tour. I simply did not think I could survive leaving the team. They were people I could trust, people who I knew loved me. On the day this all clicked in my mind, I was crying on the floor, telling God that I was lame for having such an emotional response. He said He didn’t care. Even though I was being stupid and not trusting Him, it didn’t matter to Him. He told me He would always be there for me, even during my small, lame problems.

It didn’t matter to me that God was better than me and willing to give me joy if I let him lead my escape. It was the promise to always be with me that made all of the difference.

I can’t ever love the “alone and sick” the same now. I’m done with being right and I'm ready to be there.

It does annoy me that I don’t think about loving others half as much as I used to, but now that I’ve experienced God’s love, I know I just have to keep abiding and let Him do the rest. After all... We love because he first loved us.

I am so thankful for what God has done in my life. This is never what I expected when I went on tour. There is no going back to before; I am changed forever. Now the task at hand: living like a changed person. Maybe one day soon, I will write about college and all of that. Or, maybe not. But at least now you know some of what the team, tour, Masters, and mostly just God did for me. Thanks for listening.

I am full now, not empty. I am in Love and out of it I will not go.

-The Great Divorce, CS Lewis

alone and sick

2010-03-15T13:34:00.008-04:00

At one conference during the course of tour, I had a cough and so I stayed in a room all by myself at a host home. I remembered being really lonely, sad, and crying myself to sleep on several of the nights. A lot of other things were going on then too (like my computer screen cracking…) so at the time I told myself that I was stressed and that I would be okay in the morning.

I hate being alone. Now. I used to be okay with it.

During the course of tour, I was reminded all the time that I wasn’t perfect. I couldn’t do it all. I wasn’t competent enough. I wasn’t a good enough friend or Christian. I was too prone to failing at life… I was broken. So, I shut myself in a box all by myself. I didn’t want to burden others with my problems or embarrass myself by letting others see inside me.

I remember being lonely often on tour. I spent a great deal of time outdoors where ever I was, so I wouldn’t have to deal with people. Sometimes, I avoided asking people how they were because then they would ask me how I was too.

I barely knew the people on tour, so I told myself that I was an introverted feeler and that it would be okay once I got to know them better.

In reality, I isolated myself. It’s not like I had deep, dark secrets. It was more that I never told any one about what was going on in my life, heart, and mind. I reasoned that I shouldn’t have to open up to others because all I needed was God. I tried to love others without letting others love me.

It was my own fault that I was alone. It was so much easier that trusting somebody else: I wouldn’t run the risk of them hurting me or of me relying on them. It allowed me to avoid working through my own insecurities: I could just keep them all inside at the bottom of myself.

If you hide yourself deep inside, deep inside
In time you’ve got nothing left to hide
It’s all dead inside.

So, throughout tour, I continued to keep to myself. I think the team didn’t know what to do with me. A few of them told me later me later on that couldn’t connect with me at all. A few of them saw that I wasn’t completely okay and reached out to me, but I wouldn’t open up.

I refused to be loved.

Eventually, my refusal to be loved by others developed into a refusal to be loved by God. I could see so clearly that I wasn’t worthy of love and so I told God that he shouldn’t be loving me either. I wanted to pay for my sin. I wanted to be hated. I wanted to be alone, because that is what I deserved.

God didn’t leave me like that though.

Choice is the only thing we’re given
For one will live, another dies
One road says hello the other says goodbye
And the roads that you don’t choose begin to die

During MASTERS prep, I decided to believe that God loves me even though I don’t deserve it. It was the truth and I had no other choice. I stopped arguing about whether or not he should love me and began to see that God didn’t want me to be alone.

God loved me and there was nothing I could do about it. But it wasn’t until the middle of MASTERS that I became thankful for that love. I found out that there were things I simply could not do without God and, only then, was I glad of the love that I could not understand, that would not let go or leave me alone. Ever.

Since MASTERS, I have become ridiculously dependent on God. Not always in a sane, confident way, but many times in a completely needy way. I am terrified of being alone and without God. God is still teaching me to be strong in the grace that is in Jesus Christ.

I will always be a sick and broken human being. But God demonstrates his own love for me in this: While I was still a sinner, Christ died for me.

I don't have to be perfect to receive love and I am done being alone. Nothing I can do will ever change God's love for me. Now I believe it and live by it.

Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!
-Ps 66:20

snow

2010-02-03T01:42:00.002-05:00

Earlier today, I was thinking how beautiful the world would look if it was snow-covered and then... it snowed! So, I took a walk in the snow with my wonderful mother. At 1AM. :)

The flakes danced in the street lights as they drifted down and around me. The thin layer of snow beneath my boots crunched ever so slightly. I turned around and looked at my footprints, zigzagging down the road in the direction I had come from. Then, I faced forward and continued to walk where no man had ever set foot before - okay, where no man had ever set foot that evening - until I started skipping and spinning all over the empty street.

This has been a happy day.

Towards Unity...

2009-12-23T10:07:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I came to a realization that I’m not sure I like.

I live a divided life. Half of me is with the team, while the other half is here with my family. I am not whole.

Any time I am not directly interacting with my family, I am living inside of memories of tour…

Being this way is hard to avoid. I wonder if it is inevitable. I very much dislike being divided up like this, but knowing what is wrong with me is helping.

This morning, I was sitting outside thinking about my two lives. I can either choose to really love my family and spend less time with the team, or really love the team and spend less time with my family.

Part of me says, “Choose the team. They are the people who understand you, who know who you are, who will be there for you.” I think of all the times when I have failed to get along with or understand my family or felt like I just don’t belong anymore. They have all learned how to get by fine without me. In fact, they seem to be able function better without me in the way sometimes.

Then, I remember my lonely days on tour, when I figured that it didn’t make a difference whether I was there or not. My mind flashes back to the good times I had with my family before tour… taking walks in the park, laughing, singing, talking late into the night, learning… and I think that I must choose to invest in my family over the team.

But, I’ve come too far to choose one over the other. I love the team and I love my family. I don’t know how to blend my two worlds.

But do you know what? I think I have it all mixed up. Perhaps I shouldn’t attempt to balance between my family and the team. Perhaps I shouldn’t group those I love into two separate groups. Perhaps I don’t have to be divided.

What if.. what if I was whole? Wholly devoted to God, not to some people or other people.

If my first priority in life is God, He will show me how to spend my time and He will fill my desire for belonging.

So, I here I go again, attempting to love sincerely, but knowing that I cannot love anybody unless I love God first.

Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.
–Ps 86:11

today, part 2

2009-11-11T23:40:00.002-05:00

My emotional high eventually flipped around completely.

By the end of the conference day, I was really tired. After dinner, everybody split up into two groups. Most of the people watched Ice Age. The rest decided to talk about things. I listened for a while, but I found I didn't have anything to contribute to the conversation. Basically, I wasn't adding anything to anybody's life anywhere.

-----

When there is no space for you, do you squeeze in... or do you make your own space?

-----

At the beginning of tour, I often felt lonely. I would try to talk to people, but I could never think of anything to talk about. I would listen in on conversations that everybody seemed to enjoy... but simply didn't interest me. There was nobody there for me. I would spend a lot of time outside.

On one particular day (this was right after Summer Camp), everybody had been having a spiffy time. We had been out for the evening and on the ride home, everybody was talking to each other and nobody was talking to me. I tried to jump in on their conversations or start my own... both of which failed.

When we got back to the Moon Manor, I was quite lonely and rather miserable. Wendell began to play the piano in the Red Room. All my tenseness and stress began to melt away. I lay on the carpet there in the Red Room, letting my misery sink into the floor. I looked up at the ceiling. It was pretty boring: it closed off the space in the house and kept all the air conditioning inside, like most ceilings do. You could look up so far and then your eyes hit the ceiling. There was a limit on the "sky" up there. I was contained in a building.

I kept listening to the piano and thinking. Soon the ceiling took on a new meaning. It was as if I was trapped in a house. This house was my selfishness. I was trapped into thinking just about me and who was paying attention to me.

Just then, as I continued to look at the ceiling, I noticed something. In the ceiling over the kitchen area is a skylight. That's right a window in the sky. An escape! All at once, everything clicked. I was locked inside my house of selfishness, but love left a window in the skies. I don't have to think about myself. If I put others first and seek to love them, it doesn't matter if people love or care about me... or if they need me.

-----
(written September 9, 2009)

Coming on tour, there was one thing I wanted more than anything else. I wanted to understand; understand people, understand love, understand God. I wanted that understanding passionately. God is faithful and I am learning and understanding more and more.

Today, I began to understand what tour is about: it’s about people. I already knew that we would be teaching the same classes and giving the same speeches over and over again. The main difference between conferences would be the people we interact with.

In the middle of July, I was dropped into a situation called prep week, where I was told to get to know, work with, and love 10 people who I barely knew. (Thankfully, I already knew one person pretty well! <3)

Sometimes, I give up on loving others. People don’t pay attention to me and so I decide people aren’t going fulfill me. I retreat into myself. I give up on making friends. I figure I have friends at home. These people on tour don’t need me and so I make sure I don’t need them either. I become lonely. Oh, so lonely.

I imagine Jesus sitting next to me. He is my friend. He is always there. But sitting next to him is convicting. He tells me I need to love others and stop thinking about my poor little self.

How am I supposed to love people who are already happy and involved in conversations? Is there nobody for me to love? How can I love a group? Loving one person at a time is considerably easier than loving several at once.

So, I sit there by myself. Or I stand there in the wind. Alone. But so happy. I have God. I don’t need anything else… except to obey: love!

------

Tonight I chose to make my own space. I didn't want to figure out how to love others, so I hung out with God on the drive way under the cloudy sky. I wasn't needed by anybody. I was pretty sure nobody would miss me. I totally get the idea of loving others who need love, but I mean, some times people aren't needing love. They are just chill.

So, I skipped out onto the drive way. It was really rather pretty. I was tired and decided to lie down on the concrete. I looked at the clouds and told God all about how nobody needed me and how I didn't know how to love people. I thanked Him for being amazing, because He is. I thanked Him that He cared about me and loved me even though I often think I don't need Him. It was pretty much a conversation.

I was outside and rather happy to be outside. I didn't need anything about that evening to change, but it did. The skies suddenly cleared and I could see the stars. God shoved the clouds to the side so the bright stars would show. Just for me. Because He loved me. I want to love like that! People may not need me... but I can still love them and make their lives a tiny bit better. Love always can. Love never fails.

-----

I came inside, ready to love the people around me. Everybody was still involved in conversations or movie-watching. That was rough. Then Janie pulled me into her group who was listening to Tim play the piano. Everything inside of me... all my inner peace... started to crack. Janie was loving me by including me. I didn't want to be loved. I was the one supposed to be doing the loving. I didn't want to need others. My inner self was rebelling at this unfortunate turn of events. How was I supposed to feel good about myself if I couldn't love anybody?

I must remain a monster until I learn to love and receive love.
-The Beast, from Beauty and the Beast

Maybe sometimes love is not all about giving out love. Maybe receiving love is essential to understanding how to love one another. I am still thinking about it all.

This I do know: It is for freedom that Christ has set me free!

We love because he first loved us.
-1 John 4: 19

today, part 1

2009-11-11T23:34:00.000-05:00

Today has been a very ...interesting... day. It has also been quite an abnormal day for me.

It started out in a very ordinary manner. The schedules behaved admirably and the printers decided they liked me. We made it through GECCO and the Opening Program uneventfully.

But then came my first free time block of the day! Each of us interns have little mail boxes we bring to each conference. We write each other happy little notes and put them in each others mail boxes. I decided to write everybody on the team a note. I grabbed a pack of sticky notes and my special pen and began to write.

I wrote my first sticky note. That made me happy. I enjoyed thinking about why I liked the awesome people I get to hang out with every single day. I wrote another. As I folded it into thirds and wrote the person's name on it, I started to giggle. I kept writing more sticky notes and giggling more. Hannah, Robin, and Eric were all in the staff room during this and can attest to the truthfulness of my narrative. I finished notes for the whole team. By this time, I am really really happy. I am wearing a pair of Tim's sunglasses and dancing around the room. I realized Justin didn't have a note, so I wrote one to him too. Finally, I put them all in their mail boxes.

The class block that had been going on ended and some of the interns came in to the staff room. That made me giggle some more. Tim made a face at me and I giggled and pointed to the mail boxes. He proceeded to read his note and I continued to laugh.

Of course, after my free time block, I had a class. And of course, it would be a Coaches' class. So I decided I needed to calm down. I stood up straight against the wall (think the Orotun-duh activity) and attempted to breathe naturally. I failed and giggled some more.

Determined to succeed in regaining my sanity, I walked out of the staff room and had a marvelous class.

However, that was just the beginning to my day...

Musings on tour

2009-10-17T22:52:00.003-04:00

The bright sunshine streaming through the glass door had drawn me outdoors. The prickly grass reminded me of the fact that I was barefoot. It didn't matter. My eyes followed the expanse of grass up til the edge of the field. From my end of the field to the other end, it was a short 100 feet or so. However, on a sunny, humid Tennessee afternoon, 100 feet is a long way to run. I sized up the field again. Yep, I could do it. I set my mind to the task and place one foot behind the other in readiness to speed off. Then, all of my energy sprang into action as I launched myself across the field. Seconds later, I am one third of the way there and not sure why I decided to do this. I am panting and slowing down. Resolutely, I put my eyes on my goal at the end of the field. With this change in perspective, running is a simple task. Just put one foot in front of the other. I keep going and soon and I am two thirds through. As I look around me, I realize this a fun and then return my focus and gaze to my end goal. I throw everything I have into the last few feet and stop running with a huge smile on my face. Haha, I could do that again.

-------

While at the Moon's house during prep week, I ran the length of their backyard many many times. Each time I couldn't help thinking how much running reminded me of tour. It was a challenge I had put on myself. I didn't have to do this, but it certainly would be rewarding if I stuck it through. Times would be tough and I knew I wouldn't want to go on. But as long as my eyes are on my goal, everything is possible. I stop focusing on myself as I gaze ahead at the reason I am doing this.

Now in the middle of tour, I have thought about this a good number of times and it is a continual encouragement. I often wonder what ever made me want to leave my comfort zone for four months of my life and be constantly challenged in new ways. Sometimes, my fears or my laziness get me down. I feel too broken inside to continue communicating for Christ. However, if I return my focus to God, everything slides nicely into place. Joy becomes a reality again and I can keep on running.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
-Hebrews 12: 1, 2

Who has made man’s mouth?

2009-09-13T23:56:00.005-04:00

So, where to start? I have two stories from prep week, but I might save them for an applicable blog post. I guess I will start by sharing what I learned during my first week on tour:

When you think you’re smart and don’t drink water on a long car trip but end up getting a sore throat, you’re not.
Hot tea, honey, and lemon really do help to quell the coughing caused by a sore throat. However, as soon as you stop drinking tea, you begin coughing again.
Your alarm on your phone will not ring if your phone is on silent.
Consuming sugar directly before attempting to sleep can result in restlessness, guilt, resolutions of healthier eating on the morrow, and exercise sessions in the dark while everybody else in your room is asleep. Oh, and, extreme tiredness on the following day.
My voice belongs to God. I’m not going to say God took away my voice, but he certainly allowed my voice to fade. It started out as a sore throat. Then I began coughing at night. Soon enough, I was coughing all day long. When I did talk, Austin compared my voice to that of a 13-year-old boy. It went up and down, high and low. My voice was the worst on Day 3, when I use it the most. I had a couple of classes and was scheduled to help with Beginning Public Speaking. Also, since it was the first day of the speech conference, I had to be part of the opening program and introduce Tim and myself. On top of that, we had the evening program to present. The evening before, I had been up really late coughing. I had tried walking around or sitting up and nothing helped. Eventually, I decided to give my cough to God. If he wanted my voice back by tomorrow, he would have to give it to me. I didn’t know if he would heal my voice or what… I just knew that God was with me. The next morning, I croaked through the opening program and Katie Mac taught one of my classes. My biggest memory from that day was sitting in the staff room, being told again and again to stop talking and to take some emergen-C. I felt like myself and had plenty of energy… just I couldn’t talk. It was frustrating. The people around me were up and doing things while I couldn’t. They would smile at me, hug me, and ask how I was doing. I felt so loved, but so weak, which I rather disliked. Kelsea prayed for me and I made it through the evening program mostly uneventfully, though I still sounded odd. (I actually, I loved the way it sounded, but it hurt to talk.) By the end of the next day, I was literally alternating between coughing and breathing. I couldn’t take more than three breaths before I started coughing again. I avoided talking and had a very unnatural evening, not being able to talk and laugh as I usually do. On Sunday, my voice came back. Not completely, but it was a huge change. I thought about nearly every word that came out of my mouth. It was such a joy and blessing to be able to speak. Basically, I could talk again!!!! I came away from that experience with a greater appreciation and respect for my voice. More than that, I realized that my voice is a gift. It isn’t something I own or direct. If words come out of my mouth, it is only by God’s goodness and I need to make sure all of those words honor Him. Or even better, I need to make sure that all of my words are His words…things He would want me to say. God has allowed me to talk and I want to be an excellent steward of this gift. My voice belongs to God.

The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."
~Ex 4: 11 - 12

ketchup

2009-09-12T11:40:00.006-04:00

Hi! :)

I realized I have not been making much time for my blog. There are a whole bunch of thoughts, ideas, questions, and stories I've been wanting to share with you all... but I've been so busy.

This next week will be an off week, so my plan is to catch up on all my blogging. I don't know it what I have to say will be at all interesting to you, but if you want to know what's been going on with me, stay tuned.

I also hope to catch up on reading everybody else's blogs. I want to figure what you all have been thinking about and let it sink in. Mhm. I'm excited.

That's about it for now. Oh, if I can pray about anything for you, please email me and let me know. I rather dislike being disconnected from people and praying for you would make me happy.

The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.
~Numbers 6:24 - 26

boxes

2009-07-30T01:44:00.009-04:00

I know men in a box, who will stay within the box...
Why?
Because they haven't the courage to break freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I am a girl in a box. I have my warm, smiley, free-spirited self which I like very much. I don't know if I am really like that, just I imagine I am.

All of the interns at prep week have been working on an Evening Program to present to the community. I was assigned a part that required me to break out of my box. I didn't like that. I was very stubborn about it at first. I had my box and it worked for me. Unfortunately for me, I'm not in charge of the program... and so I've had to learn to get out of my box. In all truth, its good for me. I realize that now.

If only the rest of my boxes were that simple! I don't think I have to tell you that I have placed most of the interns in boxes too, only to find, day by day, that I was wrong. I am constantly learning new things and realizing my own foibles.

Then of course, I put God in a box. I thought I wasn't. Really. I thought I was doing okay, but I'm not.

I've known for a long time that I can develop relationships with others and learn many truths about God through discussions with other people. This week, I've realized that discussions aren't the only way to grow closer to others and to God.

At home, discussions are my primary form of food for the brain. I usually don't participate in discussions as much as I listen. I rarely have anything to share, but I learn so much! I love it!

Now, coming to prep week, I knew I was going to get to talk to some very amazing people. I really really really want to get to know them. More than that, I want to seek God. I want to understand!

So, naturally, I assumed that we'd be having lots of deep, wonderful discussions all the time because everybody wanted to get to know each other and God better. I was correct that everybody wanted to know each other and God better. However, I got the part about the discussions wrong. I have had some absolutely amazing discussions, but not as many as I expected.

A few nights I went to bed feeling like nothing had happened. I had this giant desire to connect with people and to understand God, but no way to meet that desire.

There are a few people here who I have decided are perfect for discussing life with me. I have tried to make some sort of discussion happen once or twice. [I apologize if you have been a victim of my attempts at discussions!] I am a terrible discussion facilitator. Besides, I argue, I am no good at having discussions. I just want to listen. I don't know what to ask people, I complain.

This evening, I saw two people having just the discussion I wanted to be part of. It reminded me of home and of Reg10n. It was perfect, except that both of them were guys. I decided it was probably a discussion I wasn't welcome in and watched from the sidelines...

"If I only I knew everybody better, so that I could participate in the discussion without it feeling awkward!" I thought to myself.

What I desired was just out of reach. I went to bed rather crest fallen.

"Things never happen the same way twice, dear one." - Aslan

So, I have been thinking about and this is the conclusion I have come to. Maybe it's a bit simplistic, but: there is more than one way to get to know people and glorify God.

Looking over the past days, I discovered that I have built relationships and learned about God while dancing in the rain, singing, listening to the crickets, watching the stars wink at me, playing Frisbee, reading the Bible together, praying together, hugging people goodnight, swinging on a hammock, eating meals, working on projects, and memorizing.

Wow.

It's been just amazing. I've sought to understand people and God better and I am understanding more and more every day... all outside of my box.

Boxes tend to rule my life, telling me how to act and how things are supposed to happen. It stinks. But I don't want to leave my box and try something new.

I miss my pre-tour life. I miss you all.

But I am here now, suffering from an overabundance of boxes. I've got to break free.

He man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know.
-2 Cor 8:2

a walk in the park

2009-07-07T00:02:00.000-04:00

[Most of this was written Sunday evening...]

I am leaving in two weeks. Exactly. It isn't hard for me to admit that I am nervous.

Today, I was taking a walk outside. The weather simply mandated that I stop what I was doing and go outside. So I did. It was lovely, as always.

I went by myself, which is quite out of the ordinary. I took my camera and snapped photos along the way. When I left the house, I knew walking by myself meant walking with God. Usually, I just enjoy His presence. However, today He used his creation to remind me of his faithfulness.

Truthfully, I don't think I was planning on doing anything but enjoy His creation. For half of the walk, I stopped every little while to take a picture. It was fun, but slightly pointless. Then, my camera said its battery was low, so I stopped taking photos and began communing with God. [I hope you don't mind me borrowing your word, Becka.]

Walking along the river, with the breeze fingering my hair and the sand tickling my toes, I sang. Tripping along the grassy path, with the grass brushing up against my legs and the sun casting shadows on the way ahead, I recited some of the verses I was memorizing. Sitting under a great tree, with the leaves rustling and the birds' song in my ears, I thought and listened.

This is what I heard.

While I was lying out on the grass, a fly was buzzing around my head. Three times... buzz, buzz, buzz... and three more times... buzz, buzz, buzz. God said to me, If you wave your hand, this fly will go away. I am more faithful than this little fly. Even when you try to wave me away, I surround you. I am always there.

Then I looked up and saw the leaves on the tree above me. They grow in the spring, florish in the summer, dance in the fall, and then die. That's it. God whispered in my ear, Child, you are a leaf. Life is much, much bigger than what you can see and what you think. You are nothing and your life is nothing. I am forever.

Examining the leaves brought me to the tree. Trees take a long time to grow up as tall as this one was. Much can happen to prevent that growth. But, God grew it that tall. He told me, I will do the same with you. I will make you into the person what I want you to be in my time. Trust me.

As I thought about that, I felt the wind on my face. I love the wind. It makes me feel carefree and at the top of the world. I think, "So this is life!" Then God nudged me, A cool breeze makes hot days feel cool. The wind doesn't depict reality, but fantasy. The world is like the wind. It will tell you of things that seems and feel good. Your eyes will be opened to new things and you say "So this is life!" But the world lies. It makes evil seem like good, good like evil. Like a windy day, the world prevents you from hearing the truth. Listen to me.

It was about time to go home. I walked out of the shade into the bright sun. Wow, it was warm. It doesn't matter if it is raining or storming or cloudy: the sun is still there, He said. Just because the circumstances might hide the sun doesn't mean its gone. The sun will be back. It always is. In the same way, Jesus never fails. Circumstances don't change God's faithfulness. Trust and be content.

Wow, it really was warm. Try standing up to the sun, looking it in the eye and refusing to move. You die, you wilt. You might not immediately, but it will happen. God said, You can't change Me any more than you can change the sun. I have the authority and the power. My will shall be done. Your rebellion is foolishness. He will endure. I will fail. Having no strength of my own, the only thing I can do is be humble.

Little things in God's world reminded me of big things about God's nature. I am thankful for my perfect, infinite, loving God. He is faithful.

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust;
I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
- Ps 56: 3, 4

curiosity

2009-06-30T23:42:00.001-04:00

So... I've been cleaning. Yesterday was "junk day," when I went through my drawers of random stuff. Today was "fan mail day."

When I was much younger (and much more immature, I assure you), colleges would contact me frequently, attempting to recruit me. I loved the attention. Then, my mom gave me this form, which I filled out and sent off. Soon, even more colleges sent me even more mail. Finally, I took the SAT. It asked me if I would like to be contacted by interested universities. I checked the "Yes" box.

Thus, mail started to flood my house. Letters, packages, postcards, and CD's crowded up my drawer space. Then I put some of it in a box. That helped.

During my Junior year, the mail was exceptionally abundant. I think my record was 7 pieces of mail in one day from different colleges, all to me. Of course, I didn't just get mail. I also received phone calls and emails. I think they peaked at 4 phone calls and 8 emails in one week.

All of colleges had the same story: they could offer me the best education and the one that was perfect for me. All of them wanted one thing: me. I called it all my fan mail. I had become a celebrity of sorts. It was fascinating.

Fast forward a couple of year. Today, June 30, 2009. I am now a graduate of highschool. I know where I'll be attending college. Truthfully, I knew all along where I'd be attending college. Just, I wanted to know what other universities were out there... and I was curious to see how much fan mail I would get.

Boy, did I find out.

And, boy, did I hurt the environment too.

Yes, they sent me all of that. I believe it took about four years to collect it all.

Even now, when I've applied to Rutgers, been accepted, and enrolled, I am still dealing with the effects of my curiosity.

Exhibit A: I've received three pieces of fan mail in the past 8 days alone.

Exhibit B: I got a phone call yesterday from a university asking me to apply there.

Exhibit C: My fan mail collection.

Stacked this way, it is 3 feet and 11.5 inches high

It weighs 144 pounds.

I was curious to see how much mail I would get and now I am utterly disgusted with the answer. I charge these colleges with a breach in common sense. Never did I, besides the first time, show any interest in receiving addition information. I got it all the same.

I do feel slightly bad for all the postage and paper wasted on me. At least I am recycling it all.

Yes, I am getting rid of it. All of it. Id satis erit! Goodbye, fan mail. Goodbye, science experiment.

fruit salad is a wonderful thing

2009-06-28T17:21:00.000-04:00

On Friday, my mom went to the store and bought fruit. She didn't just buy ordinary fruit, like apples and bananas. She bought grapes, strawberries, and blueberries. Mmmm.

On Saturday, we made fruit salad. It had apples, bananas, grapes, strawberries, blueberries and clementines it. Mmmmmmmmm. Colorful, exciting, beautiful, it combined many textures and tastes. Delicious.

To top that off, it was healthy! Rarely do you get good tasting, good looking, good-for-you party snacks. It was blissful. :)

There were many types of food at the party and I didn't have room in my stomach for seconds of fruit salad. But hey, we made lots so I could have some tomorrow. Mmmmmmmmmm.

On Sunday morning, my mom put "my" fruit salad into a smoothie. Something inside of me died.

...

...

...

I'm okay now, but it was still sad. At least we have some berries left over so we can do it all over again! It won't be the same though. Life goes on.

friendship is pain

2009-06-24T22:57:00.001-04:00

Really, it is.

I just finished reading "The Four Loves" by C.S. Lewis. It was a fantastic book. Lewis talked about so many things I knew in my head but couldn't explain. He also gave me a lot to think about.

In my view, Affection is needed, but certainly not the greatest of the human loves. I don't think I understand Eros love at all. However, I do know what it isn't now. It isn't Venus. My favorite human love is friendship.*

~~~~~

Of course, it has issues too. All the human loves do.

Issue 1: It's painful when you're separated from your friends. Eros probably has it worse, but missing my friends is painful. I’m not completely “me” without my friends. My friends bring out different parts of my personality and without them I’m a different person. The more time I spend with my friends the more we become united in spirit. When my friends go home, part of me goes home with them. I’m broken up. That hurts.

You know how it is, right?

Issue 2: It's painful to others when they're excluded. And it’s painful to me when I exclude others. I do this all the time unintentionally. Almost every post I post here is about something I’ve talked about with people in NCFCA. You New Jersey people might not understand the hype about Nationals or know half the people who comment on my blog. Lewis writes, “To say ‘These are my friends’ implies ‘those are not.’” I think my biggest fear about this blog is that you will read it and think I’m not talking to you, think that you aren’t one of the friends I am writing to/about. Does it have to be like that? Can’t everybody be my friends?

Sure, all of my acquaintances have their own wonderful friends too. They probably are not depending on me at all. But if I only hang out with people I know really well, how am I supposed to get to know others? Ha, maybe I don’t need anybody but who I have now. I’m tempted to believe that. My friendship is selfless to my friends, selfish to the rest of the world.

Stop it! You know you’re wrong! Meeting people is important. Being exclusive is not okay. I know plenty of people that cause me to ask myself, “Why didn’t I get to know this person before now? He/she is SO awesome!”

Issue 3: It pains me that the Bible has so little to say about it. There seem to be few instances of friendship illustrated in the Bible. I can think of David and Jonathan, but not much else. I wonder if friendship is somehow less Biblical than Affection or Eros. The Bible does seem to approve of friendship though. Many of the new testament authors call the people they write to “friends” or “my friends.” But, most of those people they call friends are people they are mentoring, not the friendship that CS Lewis writes about. I looked up “friend” on Bible Gateway and found 172 instances. “Friendship” gave me 8 results. “Love,” on the other hand, returned 697!

Though, maybe I’m not distressed at the lack of examples of friendship in the Bible. Maybe my pain is an extension off of the fact that I don’t know how I am supposed to love God. Affection is too self-absorbed. I’m not “falling in love” with God either. Am I God’s friend? Not exactly. I can’t claim to have any interests in common with God. Yeah, I am thinking I need to try and understand charity better.

~~~~~

If only I never had to leave my friends, didn’t exclude others, and knew how to love my friends and God better, friendship would be perfect…

Perfect.

Only God is perfect.

I expect something on earth to be as good as heaven. It’s not going to happen.

What am I trying to say? I don’t know where I am going with the post. Just basically, is friendship worth it?

After thinking about it for half an hour, this is my answer: it depends on why I have the friendship.

One of the advantages of friendship is that it makes me happy. If that’s the only reason I’m in it, then no, friendship is not worth it. I will miss my friends all the time and probably hurt other people’s feelings.

However, if I’m friends with people because I want to seek Truth and know God, and if I'm willing to love everybody, then...

Pain is worth it.

~~~~~

*I really liked C.S. Lewis's explanation of friendship. From Chapter IV, “Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the Companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, til that moment, each believe to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be like “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.” … But as long as each of these percipient persons dies without finding a kindred soul, nothing (I suspect) will come of it… It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties or semi-articulate fumblings or what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision – it is then that Friendship is born. And instantly they stand together in immense solitude… In this kind of love, as Emerson said, Do you love me? means Do you see the same truth? – Or at least Do you care about the same truth?”

Love must be sincere

2009-06-22T10:53:00.005-04:00

Here I am, wading through my emotions and feelings and memories. What is worth saying?

Nationals is over. I know many people I may never see again, or at least for quite a while.

I feel so muted right now. I wish I could write you all a touching goodbye letter so you know how much I care.

But I don't want to say goodbye. Do I have to?

I don't deserve love, but I am given love all the same. You let me into your lives and your hearts.

Quite simply, there isn't anything I can say just now. Only, God's will is beautiful and His mercy is overwhelming.

Blessed be the tie that binds
Our hearts in Christian love;
The fellowship of kindred minds
Is like that to that above.

When we asunder part,
It gives us inward pain;
But we shall still be joined in heart,
And hope to meet again.
-John Fawcett

language is...

2009-05-31T22:38:00.005-04:00

Today we were folding laundry and trying to match all the socks into pairs.

Dad: "These all singles?"

Me: "Yup. We'll have to get them a date."

Art: "No, why not we exchange them for a twenty?"

Dad: "Oh look, there's the match for this sock."

Me: "No need for a blind date!"

Art: "Yeah, they're sole mates."

Language is imprecise. So many words have more than one meaning, yet are spelled the exact same way.

Of course, language's imprecision can be funny, but sometimes it is just depressing. You can say what you mean, but because words have so many meanings and connotaions, your listener may get a completely different picture.

Take love, for instance. I am have been learning so much about love recently. I talk about, think about, and seek to understand love as much as Art likes to do the same about truth. (I am even considering writing "LOVE" on the side of my notebook.) Whenever I use the word love, it means so much to me and I am always careful how I use it. Love is a value I have, a goal I yearn for, an abstract I cannot comprehend.

But, it sadeness me that love has such a bad rap, so to speak. I can't talk about love without people in general automatically thinking of sappy, emotional, romanic love, and often of Need-love. If I see the word "love" in people's status messages, I wonder do they know what they are talking about. Do they mean the self-sacrificing example of love God gives us, or do they mean the momentary, fuzzy-inside feeling?

That is certainly not what I mean, but love has been dumbed down and lame-ified to a point of gross error.

The music, the TV, and the movies I consume are full of romantic love. Even Christian artists like Relient K sing about human love more than the Lover of our souls. Sure, romantic love and all that is important, but love is so much more!

Then you have all the college students who care about purity about as much as they cared for spinach when they were six. They say it's love. Short-lived and selfish, this love always takes and never gives. I think, "if this is love, this is lame."

All of this though, is just me being frustrated. I guess I would rather blame language for making love sound silly than stand up for real love.

By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. - John 13:35

Does imprecise language frustrate you?

miss-out-a-phobia

2009-05-18T12:05:00.000-04:00

A severe case of miss-out-a-phobia attacked me this morning and, now, I have a new blogger template too!

I found an awesome template which I was going to use... but it is coded in French and is thus rather difficult to use. I will need to work on that one some more first.

While the process of editing my French template, I have figured out the basics of coding templates.

For example, that wonderful bright orange "pyzam.com" bar on the top of my blog? I made it dissapear!

If anybody wants me to edit your template, just send me your xml file.

[/geeky post]

maximizing my profits

2009-05-15T18:43:00.000-04:00

My life wouldn't be the same without economics. I don't think I'll be majoring in economics in college, but I certainly do love it.

Quotes and articles about economics make me happy.

"Knowledge is the only instrument of production that is not subject to diminishing returns." - John Maurice Clarke

More than effecting my emotional (and hopefully academic) self, economics has changed the way I think.

I was on Facebook the other day, bemoaning the fact that I never can seem to spend the "right" amount of time there. As I continued to think about it, I realized economics would explain my issue perfectly (I recommend opening this photo in a new tab):

So, the idea is to "maximize your profits." Choose to spend the amount of time where you get the most profits (benefits from being on facebook) and the least costs (in wasting time). Of course you have to realize I am putting a numerical value on the benefits of using Facebook, which isn't really possible... but hey, this is economics and they do that.

I think I usually spend 10 or 40 minutes on Facebook, neither of which are satisfactory. If I spend 10 minutes, I catch up on the social basics and reply wall posts, but never have any time to show people I really care. If I spend 40 minutes, I have taken too much time off from working and it is hard to go back to work. Besides, the "communication" starts to seem meaningless. I see words and pictures in abundance... but does anybody really have anything to say that's worth hearing?

In my opinion, Facebook has two redeeming points:

1)Facebook chat! I don't have the emails of all my friends and not all my friends have gmail, but now, I can still talk to them! To me, conversations over chat are so much better, so much more real and meaningful, not to mention more FUN! than writing on your friends' walls.

2)Messages. For those of you not on Facebook, each Facebook user has an inbox for private messages, the same way the Reg10n forum does. The ability to message other people has actually been useful to me, not just fun. Earlier this week, I was trying to get my article for the ICC Chapter Chatter written and I couldn't get in contact with anybody over email. So, I messaged one of my friends over Facebook instead and I got reply soon after!

Okay, back to economics. I think I would enjoy facebook for if I tried harder to maximize my profits. Or, I could still spend my 10 minutes and use Facebook more intentionally. I don't have a suggestion of how to do this yet... it's just a thought.

How about you? Do you maximize your profits on Facebook? (Or, we can start simple, does this chart make any sense?)

NaQuesWriMo

2009-05-06T18:42:00.000-04:00

This month I am embarking on a journey to make me more balanced, understanding, and thoughful. I am participating in NaQuesWriMo.

Yes, you got that right: the National Question Writing Month.

While many of you are off writing novels and poems, I am going to spend this month learning how to ask good questions.

Knowing how to ask good questions means one can contest logical errors effectively, discover essential information, solve problems quicly, and build a deep friendship. It means one is alert, incisive, and interesting.

Currently, I have very little in the question-asking skill-area.

I tend to take things as they are presented. I rely on facts. Once I gather the information I need, I work with that. I am a sensor.

Also, I tend to believe whatever you tell me. Even if I don't believe it, I probably won't tell you because I don't want to add to the confusion or hurt you. I am a feeler.

So, questions really aren't my thing.

However, at the beginning of this year school year, I told myself that I would learn how to ask questions before I graduated. Back then, I still thought I was an introvert and knew nothing about braintypes. My motivation to learn how to ask questions based on a desire to become more "well-rounded" and prepared for life.

This spring, I figured out that I was not an introvert. I also listened in on many conversations my "N" friends had and figured out that they have quite a leaning towards asking questions all the time. Their converstions were deep and interesting, varried and insightful. I wanted some of that.

So, I decided that I would ask more questions. At first, the only thing I met with was misery. I simply didn't have any questions.

Thankfully, that didn't last. Recently, I've been working on breaking the bonds of my braintype and trying to look at things in new ways. I have found myself running to grab my little notebook to write stuff down.

To make sure I don't slack off in learning to ask questions and to help me accomplish my goal before I graduate, I have begun NaQuesWriMo.

Here's the rules for NaQuesWriMo:

Write down at least one (1) question per day. Yes, you must write it down. For best results and simplicity, write all the questions in one place. I am two days behind so far.
Deep questions only. "What's for lunch?" doesn't count. My deep questions aren't very deep, but I am working on it.
Extra credit: ask somebody your question and discuss it.

I'm guessing that for some of you, this challenge is not at all difficult, but all the same, this is where I am starting. Anybody want to join me?

unworthy

2009-05-01T11:16:00.007-04:00

I don't deserve the ability or the freedom...

~to admire

~to blog

~to create

~to dream

~to eat

~to feel

~to giggle

~to help

~to inspire

~to jump

~to keep

~to love

~to move

~to nix

~to operate

~to praise

~to quip

~to rejoice

~to speak
~to think

~to understand

~to verbalize

~to walk

~to explain

~to yearn

~to zoom

I am fallen. I am bent. I don't deserve anything but failure.

And yet, I still have no problems misusing and twisting these abilities which I don't deserve and aren't mine. Whatever happened to "By grace, for glory"? Or has it turned into "By grace, my glory"?

He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

- Titus 3: 5 - 7

in love...

2009-04-30T23:34:00.001-04:00

When we laugh so hard we cry

It's the love between you and I

Something beautiful

Maybe it's a case of post-regionals blues, or maybe it's the knowledge that I am graduating, or maybe it's just because I am a feeler... but I miss my friends. I miss you.

It's actually pretty painful. I've been thinking about everybody I miss all day for the past two days.

I want to see your smile, hear your voice, listen to your thoughts.

I don't like missing you, but I can't say I mind having to miss you. Missing you makes me feel emotional, which I love.

Sometimes, I think I am in love with my emotions.

I know, I should be in love with God, not my emotions... but emotions make my life so real, so vivid.

I was made to feel, not only think...

It's sad that I would rather feel something - anything - rather than be unemotional. I would rather be extremely lonely than feel nothing at all.

It annoys me to no end that I can't always feel emotional about God. I don't want to just read my Bible, I want to feel like doing something, feel inspired.

Without emotions, I feel so disconnected. I hate that.

Emotions connect me. I like that.

But here is what I learned today about emotions:

"Although it may be emotionally satisfying to say how much I miss you or to feel the pain of separation, if those feelings do not move us to action, then it is of little use — at least to others in need of love."*

Simply feeling is selfish. I have to do something with my feelings.

I am loved and I love, but thinking about love is pointless.

1 John 4:19 says, "We love because he first loved us." It is only because God loved us that we have the ability to love others at all.

God gives us love so that we can love others. God gives me emotions so that I can love others.

Whenever I next miss you, I am going to put that love into action.

Maybe I will write you an email, or maybe I will pray for you, or maybe I will invest in somebody else who needs love... but at any rate I've had enough of empty, selfish emotions.

It's time for fulfilling, selfless love.

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

- 1 John 3:18

*I edited this quote from an article by Hugh LaFollette and Larry May which Art quoted in her persuasive. The actual quote goes "Although it may be intellectually satisfying to determine whether children have a right to be fed or whether we have an obligation to assist them, if those arguments do not move us to action, then it is of little use — at least to the children in need."

comments on commenting

2009-04-27T23:01:00.006-04:00

(I apolgize for the rather lame/predictable title to this post. It was too good to pass up! :D)

Today, I did two things that were very uncharactistic of me. Actually, it was one thing, that I did twice. I commented on two blogs that I never commented on before.

Why did I do it? I had something to say.

Why is it uncharacteristic of me? I think I generally asume people don't like me. I am not sure if this is normal, but I do it all the time. So, I assume people would prefer I don't talk to them, and I keep out of the lives/blogs of people unless I know them really well. Unless they reach out to me first.*

Basically, my commenting I invaded this unsuspecting people's lives!

Thus, I am cross-examining and comparing myself and my comments, hoping to reasure myself that these bloggers aren't annoyed with me.

Were my comments actually worthwhile? or was it just me wanting to talk?
Are my comments detracting from the overall flow of the post? My comments don't foster any new discussion... they were just some thoughts I had
Are the other blog readers going to think I am shallow now? Or did my comment just reinforce that knowledge they already had?

No, I am not looking for answers from you all. I am not seeking comments that say you like receiving comments, even from Sensors like me. I am simply working through the problem that's been plaguing me as long as I can remember. In fact, it probably plagues everybody.

The problem of acceptance. Wanting to be "cool." Feeling you don't measure up to others.

I wonder if I am "cool" enough to comment on the blog posts of other people. Or will they just get annoyed...

But all this is selfish talk! How I look doesn't matter all that much.

So, if it doesn't matter, I can comment right?

It is hard for me to get past my natural tendency to put people in boxes and rank them by their coolness factor. In commenting, I am saying "no" to the immature barriers I set up between myself and other perfectly human people. Essentially, commenting is a hard thing to do. And I did it.

All good, right?

Not so fast, girl. You can set aside your fears of being rejected, but that doesn't make commenting a good idea.

The Bible calls me to be wise in what I say. My blog's title even suggests that I seek to speak only wholesome and constructive words.

It is too easy just to say whatever is on my mind without regard to wisdom.

I wonder if it is worth commenting at all, since I know my words are not always full of wisdom. Commenting for the sake of a shard of wisdom that may be burried within the comment is pretty lame.

On the other hand, maybe... just maybe... my comments encourage the writer. I know I love comments, regardless of the the contents of the comment. It shows me that people care enough to say something. I like that.

Maybe you like that too?

At any rate, I have figured out a few things:

Commenting to make myself look good is sinful (besides being impossible for me!)
Fear of looking bad is not an exuse for not commenting
Employing wisdom in commenting is imperative.

Overall, commenting is rather difficult for me and now you know why. I am not sure if thinking about commenting so intensely will make me comment more or less, but at least I am more aware of my motives and more focused on wisdom.

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

-Proverbs 10:19

*I am not defending myself here... I realize this is yet another area in my life that must be surrendered to my Master. :-/

what the world needs now...

2009-04-24T10:24:00.000-04:00

(This post was written late last night and is not written "for" a certain person. It is written more to humanity in general. Oh, and if you don't understand the title to this post, you need to listen to more Daddy-music.)

Please don't ask me how my day is going. Please don't talk to me. I can do this by myself.

I don't want to depend on you. I am depending on God and I don't need you. No, you don't need me either, so I don't have to talk to you.

I'll keep my life in order, and you keep yours. If I can do this alone, you can too.

No, please do not worry about me either. I don't matter. God's here and He's all that I need.

Above all, please do not compliment me. I told you, I don't matter. God matters. Go away.

I don't want to let you inside.

....

Oh, wait! How about you? Are you okay? I didn't know something was wrong! If you tell me what's wrong, I will be there for you. I love you. I will share as much time with you as you want, if that will help. I will even tell you how I felt when that hapened to me.

"When that happened to me"... yes, I got past that. God helped me and now I can help you.

-----

So prideful. I am appalled at my incredible self-centeredness.

It is like a mixure of two problems: my unwillingness invest in others and my unwillingness to be invested in.

In a way, though, I have it backwards. I am happy to invest in others, if they talk to me first. If you invest in me, you melt my heart.

The thing is... I will solve your problems, but I don't want you to solve mine.

No, still not right. I would love for you to help solve my problems actually... just you make me feel guitly.

When you ask how I am doing, I am reminded how I never ask the same question back to you.

So, can't we strike a deal? You don't encourage me, and I don't encourage you.

I won't feel guitly that way.

-----

I am so caught up in my own thoughts that I never even wonder what others are thinking. I never even wonder how their day is really going.

I notice that when I walk down the hall, I rarely greet people verbally. I smile at them, for sure, but hardly ever will I give them a "Hi, how's it going?" or anything...

I keep to myself. I like to listen.

...or at least those are my excuses.

It drives me off the wall that I am so willing to just listen. I am just waiting for somebody to invest in me or waiting for somebody who needs me.

I am so contradictory. Very rarely will I seek out somebody to encourage me, but I expect others to come to me with their troubles.

Why am I not aware of who's around me, what their needs are, and matters to them? Why do I live in my own little world?

Why don't I take the trouble to get up and find someone to encourage?

The kindest, most loving thing you can do is get up and encourage me. It doesn't matter what you say; the fact that you are talking to me is enough. You smother my pride and break my heart (in a good way). You know what selfless love really is.

I feel profound effect of love and it humbles me. But, at the same time, I am unwilling to give you the same love you showed me.

Unless you ask for it.

So proud.

I know nothing about love. I know everything about selfishness.

At the Reg10nals banquet, I talked about how NCFCA has given me a heart for others. I feel like a hypocrite.

Or maybe, I just have more problems than I realized.

Graduating doesn't mean I'm done learning about love.

-----

I just want to show you what I mean

I just want to love like you've never seen

Do you want to live like you used to dream?

Then I've got a song for you

-----

Hey! I'm sorry about being so self-centered the other day. Please don't give up on me.

God said he would give me second chance. I am hoping you will too.

Yes, I can survive without you and you can survive without me. But why survive when we can thrive? We can encourage eachother.

How about this? I'll be a bit more observant, a bit more transparent, and a lot more humble, and we'll see where that takes us.

I'm done being selfish and independent... and lazy. This life I live isn't mine anyway.

So, please, will you give me another chance to show you real love?

-----

"A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." - John 13: 34

quote war

2009-04-11T22:46:00.000-04:00

1AC
Some vague plan.

1NC
“It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.” Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

2AC
Voltaire once said, “A witty saying proves nothing.”

2NC
“The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotations.” Isaac Disraeli, British writer and scholar

1NR
“Is there anyone so wise as to learn by the experience of others?” - Author and philosopher Voltaire

1AR

Charles F. Kettering, inventor, noted, “You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.”

2NR
The established way of doing things is thus so because it has worked and created stability and prosperity in the past, do not rush to change.” - Alfred Fried, winner of the Nobel Prize for Peace in 1911.

2AR

"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy." - Robert Anthony, British statesman and prime minister

Who should win the round? Vote your comments!

fragments of thoughts

2009-04-11T15:27:00.003-04:00

I spent a good portion of today thinking about emotions. I am still very confused about them. I've been writting a very long post about it, but I am too lost to go any farther today.

Which reminds me of transparency. I don't like transparency. I could on and on why I don't like it. If I act exactly who I am (supposing that is actually possible to do):

people will reject me
I will hurt my witness for Chirst
people will make fun of me
people will like what I am, not who I am

But maybe I misunderstand transperency. Of course, people should "be themselves." But I don't think people should expose their whole selves to just anybody.

I am absolutely terrified of transperency. But then, maybe everybody is.

So, overall, I don't really have any conclusions to share today. Just fragments of thoughts.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there.

flowers

2009-04-10T21:01:00.003-04:00

The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.

Isaiah 40:8

This post is just to say that:

Flowers and spring are lovely things
But like everything else lovely, they will pass away
God is the only thing (for lack of a better word) that matters
I changed my blogger theme/template

the day i was an introvert

2009-04-10T15:49:00.005-04:00

I just thought I should chroncle this mommentous event, and, perhaps, note what it was like.

SePA tournament, Day 1:

Really tired. Can't breathe. Can't really talk either. I can think though!

Actually, I take that back. Katie had to spend 3 minutes of our prep time explaining the aff's case to me in round 2.

I am content to sit down and listen. Be silent and listening are beautiful things.

When I do talk, I have to repeat myself, beacause I am talking too quietly.

When I am excited, people can finally hear me. Otherwise I am just too quiet.

I can't talk fast. I have to talk slowly in order to breathe.

The introverted me still liked people, but didn't get up to find them. If they weren't around, I was a-ok just sitting there... zoned out.

I come home and I feel like sleeping, so I do.

Conclusions:

I have decided I was more sick than introverted. And, more tired than sick. That day, I would have been happy to be my normal bubbly extroverted self.

survival

2009-03-22T17:32:00.009-04:00

The little puppy was thrilled to be taken for a walk. She surged ahead, eyes on the road, eager to get to exciting places. Sometimes, her master let her go where she wanted. Unfortunately, puppies don't have very good judgment. This one often found herself at dead ends (both literally and figuratively) when she chose the path.

Other times, the puppy would attempt to go places that looked good to her, but her master tugged her in a different direction. She hated that! She bit the leash and tried to shake it out of her master's hand. Her master wouldn't let go. She wondered what was the point of trying if she couldn't get where she wanted.

Her master told her that his way was better, but she couldn't see how. But, wow, it was so hard to go her own way because her master was so much stronger. Then, she realized she didn't really have a choice. Her master's will would happen whether she liked it or not.

So, she gave up her way and followed her master. Of course, the words "gave up" and "followed" are a bit misleading. She still liked her way better and she lagged horribly. Her master told her to cheer up and look at the lovely places he was taking her. She didn't care though. It wasn't her way and she was discontent. Eyes on the ground, she walked as slow as possible and imagined life the way it was "supposed to" be.

She couldn't last though. Surely life couldn't be as awful as it seemed. Deep down inside, she knew it was her own fault she was miserable. She could enjoy the walk that her master was taking her on, but she was refusing to.

Eventually, her master had her sit down. Trying to walk with her in this state was pointless. Seated and unable to move, the puppy looked into her master's eyes. Then, she understood. The only way to get any where in life was to focus her eyes on her master.

She could pull at, bite, or lag on her leash, but it wouldn't make a difference. Her master was in charge. As long as she paid attention to him, she didn't have to meet dead ends, get caught in rebellion, or lost in misery.

The puppy resolved to focus on her master for ever and always.

However, puppies don't always learn quickly. This one got distracted from her master so many times it was embarrassing. She really did love her master and wanted to please him.

She thought her master would give up on her, but he didn't. No matter how many times she got distracted, he was there ready to sit her down again. No matter how unworthy she was, she didn't have to earn her master's love. No matter how hard it was to return to her master's side, looking into her master's eyes was the only way to survive.

Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.
2 Timothy 2: 11 - 13

dogs

2009-03-03T09:09:00.003-05:00

Dogs are a wonderful part of creation. My dog is a particularly wonderful part of my life.

It doesn't matter how I am feeling: my dog is there for me. Sometimes, she is very busy sleeping, but I can pet her gently and admire the peace she has. Other times, my sadness arouses her compassion and her slobber mixes with my tears. I would like to avoid the slobber part, but that's how she shows she cares. Still other times, I need a friend to hang out with. In between throwing a toy for her, I dance to the music on the radio.

I love having some one there for me all the time. My dog doesn't judge me or even seem to get tired of me. If I dumped all my burdens on her, it wouldn't make her depressed. In fact, she would just love me more.

Sometimes I forget about her or think she is an unneeded hassle. I have "more important" things to do. But, it doesn't last long. She has a way of squeezing herself back into my life. She reminds me of the great relationship and the fun we used to have, so I reform... again and try to spend the time with her that she deserves.

I often choose to ignore her until times are difficult. I run to her when I need her. It isn't very nice, but she is still there for me, no matter what.

God is a wonderful creator. My Savior is a wonderful part of my life.

God teaches me so much about Himself by having me observe the dog He's give me.

God loves, no matter what. More than that, he speaks. My dog is confined to eternal silence. My God corrects, admonishes, and encourages me. God and I share the ability to communicate in words.

Eventually, my dog won't live here any more. She will go on to harder, greater things in life. But my Friend will always be here. Nothing will take Him from my side.

What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

stunning seventeen

2009-02-28T22:04:00.018-05:00

This past year has been just stunning. Yes, go ahead and take stunning both ways. Seventeen has been both beautiful and surprising. God in his uncontainable grace has blessed me greatly.

I'd like to share a few reflections upon seventeen and a few resolutions for eighteen if you'd like to listen.

A few things I will probably remember best about being 17 are:
~Attending Nationals in Alabama
~Learning to drive (and feeling embarrassed about the bright yellow sticker on our minivan which broadcasted my driving incompetence to the world)
~Praying for and finding a new debate partner (and an very awesome one at that! God most certainly didn't forget about me.)
~Flying on 12 different planes and visiting 15 different states for some amount of time

Wow, just thinking back... when I turned 17 I didn't expect to do any of those things. Even with driving, I somehow tricked myself into believing that 17 was not the year for it.

Knowing all the different things God has taught me and the ways he's stretched me, I'm not even going to try to sum up what the biggest lesson I learned in 17 was. What I do know is this: God has met every single one of my needs and nearly all of the desires I've had this year. I am making a list of them all in my head and it is long. Going to Nats, RSAing at MASTERS... it has all been wonderful!

For this year of 18, there are several things I'd like to work on. I'm not sure if they are resolutions or goals, but they are definitely aspirations. I want to:

Become such good friends with Jesus that I cannot do without Him. I know a relationship with Jesus is much more than friendship, but this is something I want to work on. I want my confidence and identity in life to come only from knowing Him.
Live with open my eyes. Yesterday, I took my mom's laptop downstairs for a while. I didn't know she needed it, so I just left it there when I was done. Then she just quietly used my dad's computer, which has a shorter battery life and is harder to use. If I had watched what was going on, she could have used her own computer, especially since I wasn't using it. In addition, there are so many ways I could help around the house more if I only opened my eyes.
Talk to people as the living, breathing individual they are, not who they seem like. The fact that I judge people and put them in boxes annoys me to no end. Getting beyond what I think people are and into who they really are takes time and effort. I'm enjoying the process and hope to continue it.
Give people eye contact and peer into their hearts. It appalls me how much of my debate skills I keep in the debate round. I recently started thinking about eye contact a great deal. When you look some one straight in the eye, it's like you can see straight down into them. You both are thinking the exact same thing; you connect. It is beautiful.
Learn to ask questions. Listening is something I thoroughly enjoy. I get to hear what somebody thinks and learn about them. However, listening can be the easy way out. Listening means I wait for somebody to talk. Instead, I want to be able to initiate meaningful conversations and ask questions that show I care.

"Things never happen the same way twice, dear one." - Aslan

My stunning seventeen is over and I am ready for the challenge of eighteen. I don't know what things will happen this year, but I am going to trust God and seek to make His name magnificent through it all. During these next 364 days, I want take these ideas off my blog and put them into practice in my life. But more than that, I want to be available for God to use me and I want to be ready to do His will cheerfully.

"For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified." - 1 Cor 2:2

Sleeping in

2009-02-05T19:52:00.007-05:00

Good morning!!!

I have been meaning to wake up my blog for a long time. Now I am finally doing it! Many of my friends have recently created blogs or have been blogging very frequently, which kind of reminded me about mine. :)

October 7, 2008 was the date on my last blog post. Wow. I'm trying to figure out why I haven't blogged for a long time. The main reason, I think, is because I've been sleeping in. No, I don't mean spirtually. I am very much awake spirtually. It's my virtual life that's been sleeping.

In October, I gave up facebook for a month. Most of my extra time was spent on the ICC Alumni Program, speech, or debate. I began to ignore my communication in the virtual world. Sure, I was still "allowed" to chat and blog; I just didn't do it for the most part.

My facebook fast ended months ago. However, I wonder if that disconnection from the virtual world is still lingering with me somehow. I check my facebook and chat all the time now, but I don't blog. One of my big three in virtual communication is missing.

It's as if I had taken a real fast from food and, when I returned to my normal eating habits, I forgot about my vegetables. My non-vegetable foods, like grains, protiens, fruits, and snacks, are all "easy," so I put them back into my diet. However, vegetables take longer to prepare and require chewing to get through the fiber.

Basically, I decided to opt-in to the easy things about the virtual world like chatting and facebook and forget about the things that take time and thought. While fasting certainly was a good thing for me, it may have indirectly caused me to become lazy in my virtual communication.

After my fast was over, I didn't take the trouble to communicate on my blog. I saw I could do without it, so I didn't feel like spending the time.

However, by not blogging, I am sleeping in. Nevertheless's song "Sleeping in" inspired this whole concept. The song talks about how we would rather sleep in than face the world outside. Sure, it makes us feel lame, but it's just easier.

Sometimes, I agrue back and say that I prefer face-to-face communication better and so blogging isn't important for me. I mean my brain type has wired me to like people, not computers.

But...

If I am really trying to communicate with the cultural, if I am really hoping to win others for Christ, I need to know how to relate to people over the internet, as well as in person.

So, here I am, waking up my blog and my blog life. And singing the last few lines of "Sleeping in"...

Open up my eyes.
I'm tired of sleeping in
In a world that's dying to wake up.

why?

2008-10-07T08:53:00.000-04:00

I feel like God is wonderful, all-powerful, and amazing. Through him, I can do anything. Do.

However, doing isn't the issue. I want to be. As a imitator of Christ and a Christian, I need to act like it.

But I'm failing. Why?

Do I try to hard? Or am I striving for the wrong goals? Or do I just need persistence?

Part of the problem is that I want to speed up the process. I want to be the perfect witness now. It's unattainable, but I want it nonetheless. Why?

I want to speak and act for God. I want people to see me and say, "She's a Christian." I want virtues and love to pour out effortlessly. I want. That could be another part of the problem.

I am discontent with who I am. Sure contentment is important, but how content am I supposed to be? If I was perfectly happy with me now, I'd never change my ways and never grow up, right?

I need to be. I need to be now.

Impatient for God to work in me. I forget that I am God's agent, whom he deploys where he sees fit and assigns duties at his discretion. I forget that I am God's.

Just as I am making some progress, I regress again. Being God's is not enough. I have big goals and I can't possible make it. I'm not good enough, wise enough, or nice enough. My mom is reading a book called "Leading with a Limp." It recognizes that no leader is perfect. Neither am I, but I am so SO far from perfect I'm hopeless. All that God can do, doesn't help with my being human.

Or does it? Who am I listening to?

God cares about every aspect of my life. He loves me incredibly just as I am, as a human. He wants me to be like him, but he loves me all the same.

But love isn't enough. It doesn't achieve goals. God's love won't make me into a good, wise, or nice person. Or will it?

To live is Christ, to die is gain. It is all about Jesus. God's in charge and he knows what he's doing with me. Since he can work everything out, it is no business of mine how God goes about it.

But now we've made a full circle! I can trust God completely for my future, but I am afraid I won't be good enough by then. I want to be content in God's timing, but what if I'm the one who's just too slow to become like Christ?

I am so miserable.

2 Cor 10:18 -
"For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends."

What if I just tried to please God in my every day actions? What if I said, "All my goals are your department, God. I am just going to serve you"? I would ask God to help me be faithful in that little. I could do that. I can be a little, inadequate servant, if God is there to help me.

Always leaning on him, I won't be very strong or great. But I will have the great and strong One behind me and that is what counts. It doesn't matter who I am. It is all about the why. It's by grace, for glory. Another other way, any other reason fails.

word economy

2008-09-23T14:36:00.013-04:00

Wise
Organized
Really tough
Dynamite

Elusive
Concise
Optimal
Noteworthy
Overwhelming
Memorable
Yawn-banishing

This is a very interesting concept: making every word count. I tend to repeat myself, but I need to become more economical in my word use, especially in debate. Less repetition means more content.

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. - Proverbs 10:19

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. - Ephesians 4:29

"There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together." - Josh Billings

"My father gave me these hints on speech-making: 'Be sincere, be brief, be seated.'" - James Roosevelt

<333 =D !!!!!!!<3<3<3<3

2008-08-31T10:45:00.000-04:00

"How many of you have facebook?" most hands go up
"How many of you have some sort of internet chatting system?" almost all hands go up
"Okay, how many of you have email?" every hand is raised
"Thought so. Now how many of you are completely sincere online?" everybody looks confused and checks on person next to him to see what he's doing

Yes, I made that up, but it sounds realistic. Sincerity is something I've been thinking about a bit recently. Dictionary.com defines it as: "freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity; probity in intention or in communicating; earnestness."

So, I went to evaluating myself. Am I generally a sincere person?

freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity: no problems there, in real life or on the internet
probity in intention or in communicating: *looks up probity* yep, i'm an honest kind of a girl
earnestness: orange alert! possible problem area here

If I'm sincere in two out of three ways does that make me generally sincere? I don't know. What I do know is this calls for some more investigation.

Looking back over the past few weeks, I tried to see where I might have had the most problems being sincere or earnest. I realized I sometimes pretend to be more interested in conversions than I really am for politeness's sake. However, I discovered that my biggest weakness is the internet. Imagine, a friend writes me:

"Hey!!!! How are you? I miss you soooooooo much!!! :( You are one of the best friends a girl could ask for and I'm so glad you got a facebook now! Anything exciting planned for this summer? *hugs* Love you tons!!!!! <333"

As most of you know, I like to agree. So I'll probably write back:

"Hey, girl!!!! I'm doing great! My summer's been pretty awesome! I went to several camps and learned tons. I miss you too!!! *hugs back* How's your summer been? Write back soon! Love you!"

Now the question is: Am I really that bubbly? Now, my friend here might be like that. (The entire thing is faked, just so ya know, although I've seen similar.) That's fine, because that's her personality. For me, I want to show her I care and that I value her friendship. It's like a ridge-pole. Be too happy-happy and I fall off being insincere; be too serious and I look uncaring or boring.

I decided to see what the Bible had to say about sincerity.

Romans 12:9-10 - "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."

1 Tim 1: 5-6
The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. Some have wandered away from these and turned to meaningless talk.

1 Peter 1:22-23
Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.

I found out that love and sincerity were very much interwoven. To really love, I need to be sincere. It isn't a question of being truthful to your friends as much as it is a question of love. The 1 Timothy verse really stood out to me. I need to love from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith. Otherwise, it's just meaningless talk. In a way that is the conclusion of the matter: it's either sincerity or it's meaningless talk. Now, I have to make up my mind to strive for sincerity.

discontentment (part 2)

2008-07-22T13:30:00.001-04:00

The other song that really stood out to me on the Prince Caspian soundtrack was This Is Home by Switchfoot. I call this Peter's song. When the movie starts, Peter is discontent with his life, demanding respect he doesn't necessarily deserve from the other boys. He remembers being High King in Narnia. As soon as he is back in Narnia, he wants to be king again, which causes most of the issues between he and Caspian. Peter's problem was not only pride, but an unwillingness to accept life as it is. He need to realize that Narnia wasn't coming back; England is home.

Created for a place I've never known
This is home
Now im finally where I belong, where I belong
Yah this is home,
I've been searching for a place of my own,
Now I found it, maybe this is home
Yes this is home

By the end of the movie, all this has dawned on Peter. He realizes he has to go back to England. He never has to forget Narnia, but he must adjust and take what he's learned in Narnia and apply to his life at home.

And now, after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm going to call it home
I got a brand new mind set
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home

Life may not be perfect here, but, for now, this is home. It is where God has placed me and I need to be content with that.

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." - Heb 13:5

So many times I get discontent. I want to soar up into the future and make something of myself. Or, I wish I could return to the past, "back to how it was." Of course, all that can't happen. I have to live in today. I have to be thankful for each day God has given me to be a witness for him.

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. - Col 5: 15 - 17

discontentment (part 1)

2008-07-20T19:50:00.001-04:00

We just got back from camp. On the way home, we were listening to the songs on our Prince Caspian CD that come on while the credits roll. The credits songs... I don't know what you call them... Anyhow, due to the influence of CFC awesomeness, a couple of smart brains in our car, and the lateness of the hour, I learned several things about the songs' hidden meanings and how I can apply them to my life.

The Call by Regina Spektor is the perfect the-end-the-event song. I loved it at the end of the movie, at the end of nationals, and at the end of camp. And, yes, it still makes me cry sometimes. It is such a lovely song. When I first heard it, I thought they were saying "no need to say goodbye" to Narnia. I always thought it was kind of ironic that they played this song about how "you'll come back" when Susan is kissing Caspian, never to see him again. Finally I've solved the mystery of "coming back," although Peter and Susan are leaving for good. This song is not about Narnia: it is about Susan. Just imagine that geeky boy who likes Susan is singing this song...

Just because everything’s changing
Doesn’t mean it’s never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Narnia is this magical place, kind of like camp, where everything is wonderful. There are difficulties, but it's not real life. At the beginning of the movie, Susan was just getting adjusted to the world when she is taken back to Narnia. Now she has to go through that adjustment all over: things are changing. If Susan was a little wiser, she'd realize she needs to stick to the friends she does have in England, like her family and even a geeky boy with a scarf, instead of kissing dreams. Life is difficult and you can't escape it. Friends help to easy the difficulties of continuous "war" here on earth.

If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! -Ecc 4:10

Interpreting this song in a different light reminded me just how important friends are. When times are difficult, there's no reason why I need to keep all my troubles and worries inside me. God has not only provided me with amazing friends, but he has also sent his son down to earth to understand everything we're going through. What a friend we have in Jesus!

Now we’re back to the beginning
It’s just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can’t feel it too
Doesn’t mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
’Til they’re before your eyes
You’ll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

Yes, I agree, this song really is about memories and how you have to never let them go. However I think it's reasonable to extend that message. I need to embrace the friendships I do have in this life. I'm not going to survive the real world without them. Friendships are forever, and even if I leave camp, I have to stick to my friends. Anyway, there is no need to say goodbye. Heaven is just around the corner.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart."

a light burnt out

2008-06-16T19:27:00.010-04:00

Yep. That's just what happened. In real life and in my mind. I am sitting here in this room with half an overhead light and a half-hearted smile on my face. In general I like my life, although right now I do not. Maybe I just get depressed easily, but I do feel pretty unhappy. I wonder how much of emotions should be tolerated and how much should be dealt with. Today... or right now, more correctly, I feel jealous and inadequate. Some days, it's because I realize how pretty and perfect my friends look and are and how average I look and am. Other days, I feel it's impossible to say what needs to be said at a public presentation, especially since I know other could do it better. Yet other days, I watch movie and read books and get reminded that my life is not a romantic fairy tale. And, yes, that means I feel jealous of people who don't even exist. Today, I feel outclassed by my sister. I love her dearly, but, oh, she seems endowed with all the social graces one could ask for. Sometimes, I convince myself that nobody would ever want to talk to me with her around, nobody would ever like me just for who I am.

I know these feelings, besides being untrue, are wrong. But they keep resurfacing. I used to want to beat her in school subjects, but now it's a bit different. I want people to see me and think what a cool person I am and want to hang out with me. I am not asking my sister to change, because she is wonderful as is. It is I who need to turn my worries over to God. It's one of those things that I must keep battling with, a fight never over, yet a fight not my own. I don't just struggle against myself and my sin nature. It is also God vs. Satan. Satan wants me to hate my sister in my heart, but I don't and I won't.

But what God says is so much more freeing than the knowledge that I love my sister. He's telling me I don't need to measure up to my sister. We each have our own gifts, and even if not, who cares? He loves me just the way I am. He promises. What else could I possibly ask for? He will be true to me forever. Unlike friends, he will never go back on his word and will always be there for me. In fact I have no right to feel jealous. What is it to me what God does with my sister? I am following Him. He's the one I need to take after. I'm looking to his image, not to what the world would like to see. I don't need to be anything special for God to use me.

Knowing me, I have now thought of a song (Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns) to go along with my thoughts:

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.

(Ah, this song brings back many fond memories of MASTERS.)

They say writing is therapeutic and I think I believe them. All my self-pity is melting quite away, with special thanks to two dear friends and some well-timed encouragement. I have to admit I feel a a great deal silly about my thoughts listed above. But I won't delete them. I know the fear of inadequacy and the beast of jealousy will return. I will keep this post to remind me that the battle to look good to others is not a cause for sighs, but is a chance to glorify God and get to know Him better. The bar which I must try to attain is higher than that of humans and far more lasting and rewarding.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. --Romans 5:3 - 5

Thus, God's helped me see the light; I've worked through my issues with myself for today and I feel much more light-hearted then before (although I haven't done anything about the light bulb yet.)

post nats

2008-06-16T17:31:00.000-04:00

I know the title is confusing. it can mean "after nationals" or "a post about nationals." Either way you take it is fine with me. I'm not sure where to begin. First off, it was awesome to see my friends. I also loved being there and competing. But after all that, what did I come away from Nationals with?

I wonder what makes an acquaintance a friend... God brought me so many friends at this tournament, despite one of my best friends not coming. He knew I needed friends and provided for me. He is so good! I got to know some people in my region a whole ton better. I also met some of my out-of-region friends' friends. In addition, I reconnected with some people who I thought I'd never see again. Because Nats was so huge, I didn't hang out with the same people the whole time. It was actually fun talking to people I had seen at numerous tournaments but had never talked to before. So many little moments showed me just how much God loves me and how many friends I really do have.

The competition was so awesome. I loved all of our rounds. I am so thankful we were able to debate at Nationals! I know of some people who qualified, but then got sick and couldn't compete. That would be sad. :^( I watched a ton a speeches and outrounds. I was really sad how few of us broke. Nonetheless I was happy for those who did. In fact, when one of my friends broke in impromptu (and really tough event!), I screamed really really loud and hugged her tight, even though she was on the phone. I quite surprised myself.

I don't know, but after all that, it's hard to go back to "normal life." I feel like singing "the call." There are so many things I want to do here at home, but I know I need to work on my school first. I must give my "fun life" a break. I know, I know... it's work first, then play. What I really want to know now is: did I just have a fun week or did I actually learn something?

I think the biggest thing I learned last week was just big and sovereign God is and how little I matter. During the tournament I was thinking praying things like, "help me to communicate you" and "help us to remember all that we've learned." While that's not wrong, I think now I have a bigger picture. It's God makes everything happen. On the first day, Mr. Larimer was speaking to us about how it's not our skills, but God's goodness that brought us to nats. That is just so good to remember. Where is there room for pride if it's all God? Mr. Larimer also told us we need to trust God for the outcome of the rounds, maintain our focus on God, and be thankful in all things. I wrote all that on the back of my name tag as I usually do, but it didn't really start to sink in until later. Thinking through the whole nats experience is helping me put my thoughts together into some sort of organized fashion. We had some pretty awesome rounds. I kinda of assumed that because we were such good debaters we didn't get totally creamed at nats, but that is not necessarily the truth. I really like the song from Casting Crowns (and it was so stuck in my head at Nats):

Giver of every breath I breathe
Author of all eternity
Giver of every perfect thing
To You be the glory
Maker of Heaven and of Earth
No one can comprehend Your worth
King over all the universe
To You be the glory

And I am alive because I’m alive in You

And it’s all because of Jesus I’m alive
And it’s all because the blood of Jesus Christ
That covers me and raised this dead man’s life
It’s all because of Jesus I’m alive
I’m alive, I’m alive

So, while it would have been really cool to do well at nats, in addition to have alot of fun, I'm figuring out that it doesn't matter that much. God's plans are so much better than any of my ideas. On the last day, Mrs. Moon (she is so amazing!) was speaking about people want to have success. Sometimes people say, "Oh, I'm not very good, that's why I didn't break" or "Well, we broke partly because we worked so hard." But both of those are wrong. People don't make either success or failure: It's God. Her words were, "You are not enough." I had to ponder over those words for a long time and only now am I coming to some idea of what she means. No matter how much I think I'm on top of running my life or winning the round... I am not enough.

For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. -- Col 1:16

Since I am not enough and God, not I, rules the world, what is it to me if my will isn't fulfilled? My job is to serve God. If I'm faithful in that, God will take care of the outcome of any of my actions. It is so tough to live as a communicator for Christ though. When I was at our ENOCH convention, I realized how much I just wanted to do all the communicating about debate and speech. Sometimes I felt like I wasn't even giving God a chance to work in people's hearts. I walked away from the convention very disheartened, not because of a lack of interest, but because I wasn't sure if I had said anything worthwhile. I have to make the most of the time (for the days are evil) and I know in at least one instance I didn't because I was relying on myself. It shouldn't be like that. My primary focus needs to be on Him. I, in myself, cannot accomplish anything. That is something that is hard for me to take. Unless I understand that I am not enough, I am still "preaching myself" and little can come from it.

So, all this is what I've taken away from Nationals. Of course all this is making me wonder what goals I have that I need to turn over to God. I now understand better that it is He who makes goals happen, but do I really have any goals worth striving for right now? Such big questions I will have to think over and blog about later. I will leave you with three things to do (thanks to Mr. Larimer again!):

Walk in love - be immitators of Christ
Walk in light - do what God says
Walk in wisdom - redeem the the time and set appropriate goals, but leave the rest to God.

And thus, nationals is over. I still have to press on.

gains and losses

2008-05-08T20:07:00.013-04:00

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? --Lk 9:25

Good question. In my debate, and even in life, I so often lose sight of what I'm striving for. Generally, I'm pretty decent at gaining the world. I don't have too much trouble living at peace with everyone, as far as it depends on me. Recently, we've been gaining lots of wins in our debate too. But how much does this kind of stuff really matter? I'm feeling pressures (mostly self-inflicted) to do awesome at Nats. Really though... even if we won Nats in 2008, who's going to remember by 2010? LOL. Life in itself is so fruitless.

However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all. But let him remember the days of darkness, for they will be many. Everything to come is meaningless. --Ecc 11:8
For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. --1 Tim 6:7

So, it's not that much good to gain the world, but not that bad either. However, beware gaining the world and consequently losing your soul! As a saved Christian, I'm not too worried about "forfeiting my soul," but that misses the point. Since I have a new life in the Light, I don't want to slip into back into habits of darkness. Those sort of things are gone. Gaining the world is so useless if it harms my relationship with Christ. I mean He's really what matters and lasts, not the world!

What does this mean for me? To gain the world, I tend to:

Seek the praise of men. Instead, I have to work to please God, not to earn the praise of men, as nice as it is. But that kind of recognition doesn't last, fuels pride, and preempts rewards in heaven. Any praise I may get goes directly to God. It's all His anyway, because He makes things happen. (Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men. --Eph 6:7 and In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. --Matt 5:16)
Look out for my wants and interests as the highest priority. However, I need to put God first. And that means serving Him and others. This is so incredibly hard for me to do and it is so incredibly easy to serve myself. (Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. --Eph 4:2 and Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. --Gal 6:2)
Try to be like the world. Oh! This is so far from what I should be doing! Paul calls me an alien to this world. I am in the world, but I cannot be of it. The word advocates all sorts of sinful things that I have thrown away. By being part of the world, I'm basically agreeing with all those things. (Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. -- 1 John 2:15, 16 and You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men? --1 Cor 3:3)

Doing these things may get me far in the world, but I really don't think it's worth it. The world and it's logic make sense, to some extent.

How can you know if you're being successful? If you are praised.
How can I be happy? By doing what I want.
How can I fit in? Be like everybody else.

Unfortunately, the world gets it all wrong.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. --Col 3:1 - 4

So back to what this whole post was about. I want to gain. There are many things in life I want, more than maybe you'd imagine. I'm not all that competitive, but how I want to win! I've planned out things that I think would make my life awesome, like winning some rounds at Nats. I'm entering a contest about civics and I hope to do well in that too. Last year, I took 2nd place in my VFW essay contest. This year I want first. I imagine that with some hard work, all things are possible. See how the world influences me? With God, all things are possible! I struggle with my desires to gain. But how much will this cost me?! Do I want to lose the inheritance I already have?! These are selfish desires which hereforth are washed down the drain!

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ. --Phil 3:7, 8

some call it a riot... i call it integrity

2008-04-17T19:24:00.008-04:00

Well regionals is coming right up! Most of our speech and debate prep is done, but I think I need to prep my mind spiritually. The tourney we are going to has been dubbed "the RIOT." I have no idea what this stands for, but I'm sure it'll be fun. As good as that is, I don't want to go just for the fun. On the other hand, I don't want to go just to win. Earlier this week I was thinking how I kinda need a goal to strive for. I had been thinking alot about integrity and thought it might make an interesting goal. Besides that, in TP debate and in DUO, I am working with a partner. For us to do our best, we need to be of one mind. In the same way, I need to be entirely committed to God.

~~~

I have to say, though, that before this week I thought integrity was the same thing as wisdom... so, first, lets clear up what integrity is!

According to the American Heritage Dictionary:
in·teg·ri·ty (ĭn-těg'rĭ-tē) n. 1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code. 2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness. 3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

Looking at the definitions right now, I think number 3 is the closest to what I'm envisioning. Yes, I will call this, at least to myself, the integrity tournament. What does that mean for me? I want to avoid getting caught up in the little things of the world, instead keeping God in my heart. I'm going to be striving to do God's moral will at this tourney. Not that I don't seek to grow in Christ outside of tourneys, but at tournaments it's so easy to forget what I'm working towards, to get competitive, or to lose hope.

~~~

After doing a bit of fun, but thought-provoking, research I found that integrity has bunch of aspects and implications I didn't expect. Here's some of what I found:

1 Cor 15:58 - "Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

In the ESV bible, the words "stand firm" are rendered "be steadfast." There's four things here, it seems. 1. Stand firm: don't back down. 2. Let nothing move you: what do you think nothing means? Since I have been crucified with Christ, I need to throw all of my sinful nature away. I cannot get carried off with jealously and discontentment. 3. Always give yourself fully to the work of the LORD: I need to dedicate myself to serving God and others, instead of my own desires. 4. Your labor in the LORD is not in vain: all the things I do that honor God have a purpose. He will work things out exactly to his amazing, big-picture plan. Basic lesson: stay firm on your commitment to God.

Neh 7:2 - "I put in charge of Jerusalem my brother Hanani, along with Hananiah the commander of the citadel, because he was a man of integrity and feared God more than most men do."

Wow, this guy got put in charge not because of his awesome leadership or communication skills, but because of this one-mindedness and fear of the LORD. Pretty cool, huh?

Rom 15:5-6 - "May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Besides being steadfast to God, I need to have unity with my partner in debate and DUO. Now I really like this verse because it gives me not just the mandate of unity, but also the reason for unity. If we want to communicate Christ and glorify Him, we need to be as one - otherwise we'll give off conflicting messages. This really seems to be speaking to what sort of attitude we have while competing and the way we carry ourselves in the rounds. I must seek to be united to better glorify God.

Tit 2:7-8 - "In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us."

I am an example to others. I am not saying that in a way that makes me better than anybody else. I am simply reminding myself that nothing I do goes unwatched. It is imperative that my example is a good one, that it reflects the hope that I have in Jesus. I am to be such an example that anybody who doesn't like what I have to say will find my words and actions irreproachable and irrefutable. That's a tough job!

Col 3:1-4 - "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

So, here is the conclusion. If I am girl of integrity, my life is in Christ and it is all about Him. I need to set aside my desires to do well and to have fun, in view of what God has done for me and my role in glorifying Him. I want to give Jesus my whole and undivided attention, whatever the name of the tournament, whenever I'm in His world.

planning my life

2008-03-22T08:32:00.004-04:00

Last night, when I was trying to go to bed, a verse popped into my mind. "All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD. " (Pr 16:2) On Thursday, I had shared from Pr 16:3, so I thought I probably knew everything important from this chapter already. Not quite correct. All this week I have been thinking about the future. Most of the time debate related, sometimes not. I have been desiring to get the first seed in the prelims, to maintain our DUO standing, to blog, to be in heaven, to be thinner, to eat... but most of all to go to Nationals! Everyone of these things seemed innocent in themselves. However, once I remembered Pr 16:2, I realized how little control I have over these things. The verse says that my motives are weighed by the LORD!!! In other words, I might think it's fine to desire all these things, but God know why I want them. So I starting thinking about things I wanted and why I wanted them:

First seed in prelims: make me look good, show I'm a good debater
Maintain our DUO standing: don't want to get worse, "need" points for nationals
Blog: to connect with God
Be in heaven: i was sick of the world; i wanted to get away from my problems, not solve them
Be thinner: make me look better in the mirror
Eat: be happy and yummy
Nationals: i couldn't figure this one out!!! I knew I wanted to do our duo there (to what end?) I knew if we made it in debate too, so my parents would have a great likelihood of actually letting us go to Nationals at all.

Okay, I count 7 things I wanted. One of those things I wanted in order to please God. (not saying of course these are the only things i wanted this week!) So, I knew I wanted to do a bunch of things, but God knows why I want to do them and he is the one in charge of how many of them happen. Just know I went back to Pr 16 to see what else it had to say. Here are all the verses I found that related to plans and planning:

Proverbs 16
1 To man belong the plans of the heart,
but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.
2 All a man's ways seem innocent to him,
but motives are weighed by the LORD.
3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed.
4 The LORD works out everything for his own ends—
even the wicked for a day of disaster.
9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.
20 Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.
25 There is a way that seems right to a man,
but in the end it leads to death.
33 The lot is cast into the lap,
but its every decision is from the LORD.

Eight verses in one chapter! Yeah, I can say whatever I want to do, but God is the one who makes anything happen. God isn't going to let me get these things if they aren't pleasing to him. So, I need to make my plans please him. I need to give my own desires over to God and let him have them all.

Let's impact this a bit. How do my desires fit in with all this? (actually my desires have kinda wilted now) Last night, I felt God telling me that the only way I'm going to nationals is if I going to please him only! I 'm not going there on my merit, or to have fun. My plans need to please him. My goals no longer have to do with how well I do, but with my ability to be a Godly witness and example. Last year I wanted to go to a debate conference to see my friends. That was such a hollow goal. I realized that I could not go to that conference with that goal. God changed my goals and I went to learn and to encourage others. It's like that for Nationals. I now know if my goals are self-aggrandizing, I will not go to Nationals.

But what if all my goals in life are turned to God and I still don't get what I wanted originally? Two responses 1. I don't need to. If I've given God my goals, I don't need to care whether I get what I wanted originally or not. 2. Who cares? All things in life that I may have wanted before are pointless in the long run. Everything passes away.

I mean, its going to hurt if pleasing God is my goal, but we still don't go to Nationals. Yes, it's going to hurt alot. But really... God can use me in many ways without going to Nationals. I can still do his will even if it isn't my will. As I submit my will to God, I learn to love what he has planned for me. I know from experience that his plans always work and mine usually don't. =D Besides all that, what could Nationals have benefited me if it wasn't will?

All in all, maybe this blog post hasn't changed what I desire or what I do, but at very least I cannot help looking at things in a different light. God's light, I hope. Maybe this has no impact on you, readers. It should though. If you give your plans over to God, He will work everything to benefit you. On your account, though, do what pleases God. Leave planning your life to Him.

A tale of a pencil sharpener

2008-03-09T18:30:00.006-04:00

This afternoon, while sharpening 72 pencils for our tourney with our electric pencil sharpener, I started running through my Topical Memory System bible verses in my head. I had got through the first 12 verses when the pencil sharpener stopped working. I fiddled around for a few minutes until I realized that the sharpener had gotten overheated.

"Sigh", thought I, pulling out my small pencil sharpener that wasn't run by electricity. "I'll have a dozen blisters before I finish this job." After sharpening 5 pencils by hand, I returned to the electric sharpener. Thankfully, it had cooled down sufficiently to let me use it. My outlook on life became cheerier, and I started my work (and my bible memory) again.

Despite having to revert to hand-sharpening a couple of times, I had sharpened all but 10 pencils when I finally finished with my 60 bible verses. "This is going so well!" I thought. "I'm so glad I can be a blessing to my family in this way and practice memorizing bible verses! Hmmm... let's see, I need some more verses to review." So Genesis 1:1, John 3:16, and other verses that weren't in the topical memory system started playing on the screen of my mind.

By the time I thought of "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths," I had only 4 pencils left.

I pondered the significance of the verse. "What a nice verse. It's so useful to remember! Today is a wonderful day! And the sharpener hasn't jammed for 6 pencils! And I only have 4 pencils left! I'm sure I'll be able to finish before sharpening them before it jams again. Splendid, splendid."

With this state of mind, I stuck the fourth-to-last pencil into the electric sharpener. And... you guessed it!- the sharpener didn't start. I shook my head in chagrin, amazed at the irony of my situation. I had leaned on my own understanding while pondering a verse that told me to trust in the Lord!

You could call it coincidence, but it seems to me to be Providence. Now the concept of trusting God in everything and leaning not on my own understanding has taken on a special meaning.

sweet sixteen

2008-03-02T14:30:00.001-05:00

well, it's been one sweet year. now it's all bittersweet. i was going to write a nice little poem about my year, but i didn't. so, now i'm going to list some of favorites from age 16:

Speech and debate... i love my partner! <3
Becoming stage manager at drama class
Making NCFCA friends...not just a few, but alot!
Practicing my DUO in the ladies bathroom at the church
Going to CFC camp, tour conference and MASTERS (and meeting very awesome people there!)
being a tournament orphan with some of my best friends
correcting latin hw with my friends and bemoaning the poor "line-skippers"

This has just been a fantastic year for friends and for my spiritual life. I have so many friends for which i'm thankful. God is also teaching me so much. I love the lessons he's teaching me, even tho they are difficult sometime. It's like i live such a vibrant life, because He makes it whole, new and exciting all the time.

This is a really cool song that I heard on the radio. It's called "Brave." I love the part about the status quo.

The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You’re safe and sound and
Until now it’s where I’ve been

‘Cause it’s been fear that ties me down to everything
But it’s been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small
And I speak when I’m spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name
Just Your name and I’m ready to jump
Even ready to fall

Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I’ve never known a fire that didn’t begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I’m gone

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
I wanna be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

for the longest time i was just happy to let my life be. it was good but not challenging. i didn't get to see much of God at work. one example i'm thinking of is the time i went to CFC camp. i had alot of fun and i made alot of friends, but i'm not sure how much of the Lord's work i did there. i called that a wasted opportunity. i hate it. i want to dedicate my life to God and do away with my sinful self. i'm realizing the more i focus of God the better life is. alot of times i'm pretty "happy go lucky" and immature. so, i'm making 17 official year to grow up. i'm not sure if this is going to work.

Rom 12:1 - 2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

sixteen is over. seventeen is now. it's so hard to tell what constitutes having fun and what is childlikeness. i want to grow in wisdom, but i still want to be me. first of all i know i need to be more ladylike.

1 Peter 3:3,4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

often i'm not quiet and gentle. i'm usually talkative and silly. this isn't what God is looking for. when people look at me, i don't want them to see an immature girl, but a woman growing in Christlikeness. i was thinking recently about getting married. i'm realizing that i'm very unprepared for that. i'm praying for an amazing guy, but i also know i need to be ready. i can see alot of ways in which i'm lacking and i know i need to work more on doing God's will, not my own. so what i want to begin working on this year is preparing myself for my future. not that i intend to get married any time soon, it's just that i want God's best for me. i'm trusting God to bring the man, but i myself want to be worthy of him. really, tho, i don't think about marriage this much. however, i am making it my goal to become a Godly and gentle young lady.

So this post has encompassed many scattered ideas. I will leave you saying that
1. I thank God for the good work begun in me
2. I'm also thankful I've finally been woken up spiritually
3. Sixteen was a great learning year
4. Seventeen is an uncharted course. I don't know what's ahead, but i intend to trust God all the way and grow in him.
5. I wonder how many of my aspirations will actually last and how much of this is noise. Time will tell, i suppose. I know I'd like to really grow this year and impact others. The rest is up to God. He'll decide what happens.

Matt 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

grace alone

2008-02-26T19:00:00.000-05:00

Verse 1
Every promise we can make
Every prayer and step of faith
Every difference we can make
Is only by His grace.
Every mountain we will climb
Every ray of hope we shine
Every blessing left behind
Is only by His grace

Chorus
Grace alone Which God supplies
Strength unknown He will provide
Christ in us, our cornerstone
We will go forth in grace alone.

Verse 2
Every soul we long to reach
Every heart we hope to teach
Everywhere we share His peace
Is only by His grace.
Every loving word we say
Every tear we wipe away
Every sorrow turned to praise
Is only by His grace.

This is the song they played at the end of the SUN tourney. It really made me think. Actually it made me cry. My whole experience with the song floored me. I had just received my awards in speech and debate. I was thrilled about how far God took me in speech, but i was disappointed with our debating. I remembered that morning I had told myself, "We will advance just exactly as far as God wants us to." Contentment is such a hard virtue to learn. It's one of those things that you have to put your mind to and block out all other discontent thoughts. I was so discouraged at the end of the tourney, but these lyrics made me realize how little my win-loss record matter and how much grace my partner and I have been getting recently. This song says that everything we do is only by his grace. I keep letting myself think, "I know what I'm doing. My debating is pretty decent. I'll do fine." But it's not like that!!!!! The only way I can do anything at all is through Jesus. I need to learn that what ever skills or talents i have in speech or debate belong fully to God and it is he alone that accomplishes anything. This tournament was a big lesson in relying on God. I am confident he knows what's best for me. I can trust him to run my life. Only, will I let him?

So with debate, I thought (to some extent) that I didn't need God's grace. With speech, however, I would have never expected as much grace as God had given me. I went into my speeches not expecting to do well and knowing I was a good deal unprepared. That left alot of room for God. And so, I praise God, for he is all-round really amazing. He's teaching me so much, always patient with me when I neglect him, and so surprising.

simple, yet not

2008-02-22T22:25:00.004-05:00

Now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?
--Deut 10:12-13

really, our faith is simply put. does it get any more difficult than this? yes, it does: sin is right there beside me, always getting me off track. i must fear, follow, serve, love, and obey. i understand. it's just the carrying out that's the tough part. "whoever knows what is right and does not do it, for him it is sin." ouch, huh? today i was listening to a presentation about evangelism. i know i need to do for sharing Jesus. i know i need to pray more for the boldness to share Him. the Bible lays out what we need to do, the issue lies with us actually doing it. the verse says "with all your heart and all your soul"... that's alot! seriously, tho, God doesn't just strand us out here on the earth trying to do his will. He gives us the power to do all the things He wants of us. we just need to get over ourselves. i don't matter. it's all about Jesus. if i focused to letting God shine thru me, rather than on me, it would demonstrate God much better.

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
--Matt 5:16

a green sticky and God's grace

2008-02-18T15:40:00.000-05:00

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
Hebrews 4:12

This is way true. Reading the bible can hurt. It can convict. It can comfort. It can encourage. It can spur me on. It can make me realize what really matters. It can put my worries at rest. It reminds of the goals I have as a Christian first and foremost, as a debater second.

Well, this is the story of one verse helping me out on one day. Just imagine how much better off I'd be if i chose a verse for every day!

So, it was Friday night. I had just got back to the hotel after a long day of debating and I was reading my GoogleReader. This verse just jumped out at me:
However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. (Acts 20:24)
I thought, "Wow, that's perfect. That's exactly what I need tomorrow." My partner and I would be debating in outrounds tomorrow. I wrote it on a sticky and stuck it to the back of my name tag.

The next morning my sister and I debated. Before the round started, I showed her my name tag. She smiled. We debated our best. We had an excellent round. We were able to address the the negative teams arguments and had great clash. But, realistically, we didn't expect to win it.

Later, I was waiting to time the apologetics semi-finals. We needed three judges. We had zero. I got bored. I began reading the verse on the back of my name tag. I thought about it. My life worth nothing... finish the race... the task of testifying the gospel of God's grace. Well, I thought I had finished the race. I was thankful I had gotten this far testifying Jesus all the way. As far as I could tell, I wouldn't need the verse anymore. However, I had this little bit of dynamite on the back of my name tag. "I need to share this with somebody!" I thought. I saw one of my new friends going to her speech round. She was losing her voice and could probably use some encouragement. I ran out to her, hugged her and said, "Have a good round." It was only after I went back to my room that I realized I missed my chance to give the sticky to her. I kept thinking. Who else would appreciate the verse like I have? I remembered our "sister team." Two girls, best friends, matching suits: just like us. I thought they would be advancing to the next outround, so I decided I could give it to them. But how do you split one sticky into two?? So, maybe not them. I thought about my out-of-region friend, but I hadn't known her that long, so perhaps she'd think I'm queer if I gave it to her. My thoughts were interrupted when she came in to talk with me. We had a nice little spiritual conversation and I decided that when she and her partner broke, I'd give my sticky to her.

The round finally began, but it went along slowly. It was 10 minutes until the next debate round was supposed to start. I wondered if we'd finish in time for me to hear them announce breaks for debate before the next round. I got a million butterflies in my stomach. I fidgeted. "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." I repeated the words over again in my mind. The round finished and I ran off to the main building.

Five minutes till noon. I hastily ate lunch and waited. At 12, breaks were announced. I was prepared for my debating to be done and for me to give my sticky away. However, God had other plans. My partner and I had won our round, and it turned out that we were the ones who needed the sticky. I kept it on my name tag. None of my other friends had advanced. My sister and I prayed before the round started. I could have cried with happiness and conviction: "if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me." God involves a person's whole being: mind and emotions.

We debated to the best our our abilities. Our arguments were solid, but it was a tough round. We knew we had lost. Our friends were kind and encouraging, but we knew the end was at hand. Later, when they announced the teams who had won their rounds, our name wasn't there. We knew it wouldn't be. I was sad, but at the same time, I was happy. God had given us the power to finish the race and to complete the task. We had made it this far testifying God and communicating Christ throughout. I knew I had given these rounds to His glory and our success didn't really matter. It didn't matter if we won or lost, as long as we there for God and not for ourselves.

My partner and I ate dinner during the next round. We sat outside with our sister-team and talked. The air was cool and lovely. The activity of the day slipped away, but I shall always remember God's grace to us which allowed us to do so well and gave us the opportunity to lean on and glorify Him.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jer 29:11

Now, after all that excitement, I had to go home, get back into life, and be humble. This is something I constantly struggle with:
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." --Eph 4:2

There you have it, the story of a green sticky and God's grace.

of courtship and immigration

2008-02-14T15:25:00.008-05:00

well. i was lying in bed last night. i wasn't thinking of anything in particular. a thought popped into my mind. "wouldn't it be weird if some random guy i met asked for my phone number? i wonder what i'd say." i turned the question over in my mind. if i did give him my number, would i really want this guy calling me? and besides, i hate talking on the phone. and i'm hardly ever home and i nearly never use my cell phone... yeah, i couldn't give him my number... but what if this was the guy God wanted me to marry??!! in that case, shouldn't i definitely give him my phone number??

......................................................................................................................................

but then i remembered: any guy who is going to marry me will have to come through proper legal channels.

then i realized i was quoting from a piece of evidence for debate!!

--. "Making the Case for Comprehensive Immigration Reform." American Immigration Lawyers Association. 2006 –2007. p 39.

“A new worker visa system is needed so that essential workers can come to work through proper legal channels. The lack of worker visas is a root cause of our current undocumented immigration crisis. We must replace the flow of unauthorized workers with a legal flow.”

lol. all these influences getting mixed up together in my mind. i guess you can figure out i've spent a good amount of time thinking and reading about immigration and courtship. i thought i'd die laughing. =D

so comment away! do you think this is funny? am i the only one who's getting a kick out of my mixed up brain?

a new member of this house

2008-01-14T21:07:00.000-05:00

today we are getting the new puppy! i'm excited and yet...apprehensive. i need to have a spirit of hope and of flexibility. this week is going to be tough. i need to place my interests aside.

phil 2:3-4
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

yep, like i said, it will be tough. i don't like to put other above myself. i have to be willing to share my puppy, to love my puppy even in the dark cold nights, to be thankful for the current trials knowing...

rom 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

gentleness

2007-12-18T14:42:00.000-05:00

There is nothing stronger in the world than gentleness. --Han Suyin

i'd actually agree with that. people would much rather a gentle reminder than a severe yelling. gentleness is also much more convincing than force. i really should remember that...

btw, please vote in my poll at the bottom of the page... only six days to go!

faith

2007-12-13T16:44:00.000-05:00

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. --Hebrews 11:6

In my apologetics, I wonder, "how am i supposed to communicate Christ and how on earth can i convince them in 6 minutes???!!!" i really get worked up over this. i want so much to able to make sense and tell people about the hope that comes with being a Christian, but i tend to end up saying things in an unconvincing way.

but with this verse, i'm realizing that people aren't going to come to Christ because of something i've said, but because of God working in them. No matter what i say to prove the truth of the Bible and our need for salvation, it is all in vain until my audience is at a point of tension. they themselves need to realize that they need God. i can't just tell them. it won't be enough. faith is the first step to Christianity. if they will believe God exists and will seek Him, then, as a Christian, God promises to help them understand what He wants. People really have to believe it for themselves for Christianity to work. The best I can do is show them that God does exist and what he has said. It is up to my audience to believe in Jesus's words. It is up to them to have faith in Jesus's work.

This is such a comfort. I am not alone in my aspirations to win people to Christ. Jesus is right there making sure that His words accomplish his purpose:
"So is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." (Isaiah 55:11)

spelling... ahhhhh

2007-12-13T16:32:00.000-05:00

"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of." --Burt Bacharach

Yes! i'd agree! i do that all the time! does anybody else do that?

public speaking

2007-12-05T20:52:00.000-05:00

For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. -- 2 Cor 4:5

today i gave mom my practice speech about "my CFC experience." it made me feel so annoyed at myself. i wonder why i can't ever just talk and sound good too!!! i mean i should be learning something from debate, right? but that's not how it works. i'm relying on myself to speak well and it just isn't happening. i feel like i have to rely on God all the time. i wonder, "shouldn't i learn how to speak well on my own?" maybe i'm afraid God's not always going to be there for me... i really am looking at this the wrong way. the point isn't to sound good, but to glorify God. however He wants to do it, is fine with me.

democracy

2007-11-20T16:44:00.000-05:00

"Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time." --E. B. White

hehe. yes, that's one of its main flaws. truth never changes, but people's opinions sure do!