Saturday, November 26, 2011

being thankful

It's midnight and I don't feel like sleeping, so I am just going to write. That okay? Cool : ) If I sound childish... well, yeah. It's probably because I am at times.

This Thanksgiving: I don't know quite how to describe it, but it was very different than any I've had before. I think I liked it in the end, although certainly not in the beginning or in the middle. But the amount I like something is not always good indicator of whether or not it should have happened. I think in this case, I am glad that everything happened the way it did.

Tuesday was an unhappy day. So was Wednesday. Not completely unhappy, but little things just bothered me a lot. Oh, and half of Thursday was really unhappy. I don't like being thankful when I am unhappy. You know, I often think that I really shouldn't have to be thankful during those times either. Probably I am wrong. God says to be thankful at all times, right? Yeah, He does.

This has been a good week for fighting with God and with family. Because I want what I want and only what I want. Being me, I usually want my family and friends and life to be perfect. If I don't get what I want and things are not perfect, I am unhappy. (... I have yet to come to terms with the idea that a perfect life isn't possible here on earth.) I say it has been "a good week for fighting" because everything is so much worse when you know you are supposed to be thankful, but are ever so far from that.

God uses the strangest things to remind of what really matters. A frustrating Thanksgiving service at my church. A frustrating conversation with my family. A few frustrating nights. My Father invented forgiveness and gave it to each of us. With Him, I can be thankful in every circumstance. He is bigger than my reasons and excuses for self-pity.

I can't say that frustration is my chosen method for learning to be thankful, but hey, I don't think I have much of a say on this. I serve a God who loves me and loves to change my perspective. He continues to teach me that actually, life is not about me. Life is about love, which is about putting others first and serving them. And, honestly, loving others is much more fun and much more rewarding than loving myself.

Just thinking about this semester now... I have so much to be thankful for. Classes, extra-curriculars, and life in general is amazing. I love my home. My college friends are incredible, encouraging, and a second family. I get to see both of my real sisters every day. Technology exists to keep in touch with far away friends.

Goodness, so much grace. I don't think I can handle this. I guess I should start by being thankful... : )


For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, 
and to give his life as a ransom for many.

Mark 10:45

Sunday, November 20, 2011

where victims become victors

This is the chair
That once resided in a dungeon
That met a mercy like sandpaper
That was redeemed beyond recognition.

This is the table
Which nobody had thought to wash
Which stood tireless and silent
Which has felt the weight of glory.

This is the window
But its smudgy pane was a source of distress
But its splintery frame prevented close vision
But it has seen a beauty deeper than all else.

This is the atrium
With a ceiling higher than every tree
With the dust of former days swept away
With purest light flooding every corner.

This is the palace
Where laughter is the air we breathe
Where all the beloved are wondrously weak
Where the victims become victors.

//wake up. you're alive. we're on your side.//

For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed.
Romans 13:11

Saturday, November 12, 2011

smaller

I looked up and suddenly a host of angry daggers were all pointing my direction. I should have been worried, but I didn’t mind the attention. I walked out of the door onto the path you had set before me. My companions, the daggers, never left me for a moment. We moved as one into golden fields, through tree-lined streets, under carefree clouds. I deserved my bondage and never imagined that hope could have a feeling.
/~/
You snapped your fingers and all of the daggers fell to the ground. You buried them deep under my feet. I should have been content, but the change was so sudden, so new. There I was, crying out: “I don’t understand. Mustn’t I face the reality you gave me? Is this love and why do you love me?” Then you responded softly, “Dearheart, you don’t need those daggers. I want to free you.” I was inconsolable now. “You can’t set me free. I always fall back. Always, always, always.” You told me that didn't matter to you. You said that you knew what always means much better than I do. That made me feel small, which I both resented and loved.
/~/
The daggers are still there, hidden under the earth and covered by bits of soil and rock. But I don’t need to dig them up to know that they are vanquished and lifeless.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

endless hope.

Uncategorized feelings.
Knotted clarity.
Minute frustrations.

Damned humanity.
Silent screams.
Pulsating shadows.

Unbroken forgiveness.
Simplest resolution.
Brightest love.

~

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; 
He will never permit the righteous to be moved. 
Ps 55:22

Monday, November 7, 2011

majesty

Half awake //in a fake empire//
Awaiting the day
When our eyes will open fully.
Golden courts {of eternal peace}
Awaiting our arrival
With Your promises filling the sky.

~

...but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty. 
2 Peter 1:16

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

undivided

I’m walking amidst snowflakes 
Dancing ‘tween drifts of grace. 
Heaven’s gift is lightly falling 
Making smooth a jagged surface. 

Ditches and hillocks now are level 
Forming one consistent layer. 
Brown leaves and branches covered 
In hopeful, humble prayer. 

Because of lasting faithfulness 
This snow You have provided. 
Sky and earth today are unified 
And You’ve got me: undivided.

~

He set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, 
to unite all things in Him, things in heaven and things on earth.
Col 1: 9,10
{and hope does not put us to shame}