Saturday, July 23, 2011

.voiceless.

The empty air taunts me, teases me, tests my resolve
To remain silent, quiet, content to be alone.
I would open my mouth and breath deeply
Were it not for the fear of you who breathes deeper.

How can I live when I can't come up for air?
I feel my breath grow short within me.
My voice is soft when it is at all
For all you know, I am voiceless.

I am the one who cannot breathe, cannot speak
Suffocating in my own wonder world
Where perfection is reality and reality is always
Instead of everabundant dreams bursting at the seams.

If fireflies were glimmers of hope
And dew was a reminder of grace
It would matter little if I had a voice
Because Your love would be all that I could hear.

~

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.
John 10:27

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

[written June 8]

Like a warm front that envelops me,
Like a cold front that invades me,
You are the air that lifts my soul.

Your love is the sun that streaks the sky
The wind that tosses my hair into a golden brown cacophony
The faint backdrop of clouds that frame the light of day.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

a story

Today, I was really sleepy so I went out to the hammock for a nap. It was peaceful, just warm enough not to be hot, and breezy. I could hear the prep boys working in the background which made me feel lazy, but I put my ear buds in and went to sleep anyway.

Rocking back and forth, I soon found myself about to fall asleep, when a friend called. We talked for a few minutes until she had to run errands. Then I began to drift back into sleepyland. I dreamt about happy places, things, and people... I don't really remember which ones, but they were happy (now you know how my mind thinks :P).

Suddenly, I was awake. I guess the wind had rocked the hammock and I was jolted out of sleep. I was still rather tired, so I decided to sleep some more. A while later, I woke up again and decided I should probably go inside. I walked into my room and one of the girls got really frustrated with me for getting in the way. I felt bad about that.

Then, I woke up. I was still in the hammock, music was still playing in my ears. I had been dreaming the whole time! So, then, I got up, grabbing my phone as I went inside. I checked the time: 12:07pm. Wow, I had been napping for a really long time! I walked into the kitchen and everybody was mad at me for standing by the counter they were trying to use to lunch prep.

Just then, I jolted and found myself still in the hammock outside. Must have been dreaming again! I was completely done with these dreams and determined to fall out of the hammock onto the grass right below. That was sure to really wake me up!

I rolled out of the hammock onto the grass and felt the green blades between my fingers. :sigh: I made it out of dreamworld.

...Then I woke up, still in the hammock. I was completely confused and rather fed up. My eyes were really tired and didn't want to open. I tried to force them to open so I could know I was walking inside.

They wouldn't open. Great, I thought, so I am still asleep and I am having an internal conversation with myself about how to wake up. I made up a plan: the next time I felt jolted awake by the hammock swinging, I would jump out of the hammock onto the grass really fast and fall so hard I would know I was awake. I just needed to try a little be harder to jolt myself completely out of sleep.

I was awake again! I gathered all my resolve and dumped myself out of the hammock. Moments later, I found I was still lying in the hammock. Still dreaming? I tried again and again and again to get out of the hammock.

Finally, it came to me: I was paralyzed. My mind didn't realize I couldn't move and tried to get my out of the hammock. It imagined me walking all over the house and everything until the wind rocked the hammock and stopped my imagination. That made perfect sense why I couldn't talk when I had imagined I went inside. I was paralyzed. Of course everybody was mad at me - I wasn't talking to them!

Oh. Right. I am paralyzed. I can't move. I can't talk. I can't scream. I am stuck here until somebody finds me. This could take a while. Oh, well, it won't be my fault I didn't get help. So, I prayed. I prayed that this would be a temporary paralysis, that my family would take care of me, and that somehow I could still bless people. Communication... was about to get very hard.

I kept thinking and realized that my chin was probably not paralyzed. I have no idea how I knew this, but I did. I moved my chin up and down about half a centimeter. Well, this is interesting, I thought.

But I was still stuck, so I kept praying.

Suddenly, the hammock twitched again and I could feel both of my eyes open. I could feel them open! I poured myself onto the grass just like I had told myself I would. I took my phone, pulled my earbuds out of my ears, and walked inside. Every breath felt new, like I was creating a piece of the world by breathing.

Inside, I realized how heavy I was breathing. People asked me if I was okay and I told them I had been dreaming. I actually told them. Words came out of my mouth and they heard them. I walked down to Wendell's office. Walked!

I am now writing this story down and singing along with Billy's music. There you have it. I don't quite understand, but I have a new appreciation for life, the place God has put me in, and for cold water.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

resetting, resolving

Inverted suitcases, open drawers
Closet hangers on the floor
Messy sink, overturned sheets
Disarray describes her cupboard space

Searching and seeking, she circled her room
For hopes she'd misplaced and joys she'd confused
As lies when darkness had struck late last night
And bound all clear answers away from her sight.

Now trying to find what she once had held,
She began franticly looking until she fell
Into her bed, exhausted, muted
Questioning if apathy could be refuted.

Despairing of hope, yet hoping to live
She reset her room and decided to leave
What cannot be grasped and neither be seen
As lost, forgotten, needless dreams.

Fixed on reality, she resolved to go on
[But all she really wanted was to be found]

~

I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.

John 10: 28, 29
{and hope does not put us to shame}