Tuesday, April 26, 2011

trust is all we have tonight (but trust will be forever)

[musings, rantings, etc running through my mind]

God, I am so tired of this. I am tired of seeing my friends crumpled under the pain of living on earth. I could stop myself from thinking about it, but that won’t change the reality of their difficulties. Can’t you have a world peace day when all of my friends get a breather from all of the expectations being put on them, from the memories that haunt them, from the weakness that plagues them, from the pride that lies to them, from the insincerity they cannot escape? Please?

Be still and know that I am God.

I will not be still. God! Please, a cure. Healing. Rest. You define all of those things. Why all this pain? I know you want to refine us. I know that you love us THROUGH these things. But oh, give us strength.

Not only do I give strength, I AM your strength.

God! These are your people. Why aren’t you taking care of them?

Since when do you know what it means to take care of somebody? Believe that I am who I say and am. Trust. You know I love them.

I can’t see it!

And I suppose its not love unless you can see it with your weak eyes? Child, when will you trust me?

"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed."

Daughter, I feel their pain. I feel it more than you do. I hate it as much as you do. But I know what I am doing. I died to give them life.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations."

Sunday, April 24, 2011


All I seem to think about these days is forgiveness. Its been the theme of this semester... a beautiful, beautiful theme. I am so humbled. It's been wonderful to experience God's forgiveness, to claim that grace as my own, and to learn to forgive others.

I think it wasn't until last semester showed me the blackness of my trespasses that I've been able to see the beauty of His forgiveness. Before then, I was already familiar with failure, incompetency, and weakness. That's part of being human; it can't be helped. God works through that because He's awesome like that.

But I don't think there is anything more painful that realizing that you have completely sinned against God, ignored the advice of family and friends, and paved your own path to destruction. God called me to be holy and I said that I could define what holy is.


I've struggled with "accepting myself" or whatever you want to call it for the longest time. You already know that. 85% of the time I walk around feeling guilty about something... usually, I have no idea what. Finding that I was 100% guilty for disobey God's rules was not very happy. None of this, "Well, I tried to follow you, God, but I failed." Oh no, I was like, "God, you want this direction? Okay! I'll go the other way, k?"

Weakness hurts one way. It's like letting down your best friend or mother. You know they'll still love you, but you wish things had turned out differently. Guilt hurts quite another way. It seems wrong to cry out to God for help because you know you don't deserve any. And besides the fact that you don't deserve help, there is no reason God should help you even if He was being nice. There is this little thing called consequences... and you will just have to bear them.

Why then does He forgive us? It's as if everything I did wrong had never happened. Why? This is not what I deserve! What kind of justice is this?

Child, I decide justice. The price has already been paid. The debt has been filled. The guilt is erased. My Son died to give you life. I love you. Live out your life as one ransomed from exile and resurrected from the dead.


I have tried to logically reason my way through forgiveness, but I can't do it. God's love is more powerful that my failure, guilt, neediness, and pride. Accepting and submitting to His forgiveness means letting go of the past and living as a completely new individual. I have to go make right what I made wrong, having faith in God's second chances. Not the easiest thing to do... but, goodness, life is hopeful.

But He was wounded for our transgressions;
He was crushed for our iniquities;
upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with His stripes we are healed.
~Is 53: 5

Sunday, April 3, 2011

But this is nothing new

When greys diffuse into dark and light,
You’re already lost without a fight.
As you’re falling down a deep abyss,
Your shady days seem like a past world’s bliss.
Senses frozen, you consider finality
When static cuts in and becomes your reality.
With each cycle downward, redemption grows stronger
And a forgiving light makes peacetime last longer.

But this is nothing new.

You’re beyond minding these tear-worn patterns,
The vortex renders you permanently battered.
Oh! Short-lived freedom is your existence
I know how you doubt next time’s persistence.
Now you quiver, missing reckless abandon
Of spiraling down, control out of the question.
Will the poetry lacing your feeble heart
Cause rejection of healing ‘fore it gets the chance to start?


To live without love is not what we're for
We'll make it the year we find the cure
{and hope does not put us to shame}