But I was changed. I couldn’t get the many-pointed star out of my mind. It drew me by secret strings I could only feel and never name. I thought of it every night in my silent, deep blue bed. So perfect, so whole, so impossible. I longed to hold it again. In the mornings, I pushed all of those shards of hope and desire out of my mind. One cannot live a life based on pictures that can only be seen at the peak of night.
Again and again, the vision returned, for it had become such in my continual midnight wanderings. Night after night... until I found I needed it. I needed not just the vision, but the star itself. I needed it to be mine, needed to feel it, needed it's light. I began to grow sick for want of it. What was reality without it? Curiously enough, I was bound to something I had rejected.
And so the turning point: I realized I was spending more time thinking about the star than anything else, day or night. I was going to find that star or find, once and for all, that it could not be found again.
As I searched, my glimpses were becoming longer and my gaze was getting clearer. Oh, I was approaching. I met with discouragements, yes, but what of those? I was following the star. Perhaps it was moving which is why it always seemed so far away. It certainly seemed to be.
One day, I arrived. The star - my star - was within arms' reach. I was so close. But then everything about my past and the story of our relationship, the one of the star and myself, I mean, came rushing into my mind. Was I crazy? Yes, I was. After all, who dashes all over the earth after something that has only existed in the wee hours of the night for years? Apparently, I was that person. Flashbacks. I remembered the pain... Surely it wasn't that bad. I saw the blinding light in my eyes once more and could barely look at anything at all. I recollected how quickly I had let the star slip from me on account of its weight. I was afraid to come nearer. But I had to! And so I did. It was at once burning my fingers, piercing my hands, singing in my grasp, rejoicing at my touch. It had wanted me as much I wanted it too.
Oh! I could not handle it. It was too big, too bright, too wonderful for me. As I was valiantly holding the star, it outgrew me and I saw I could not keep it for myself. How I loved it though... I would gaze at it for hours, fascinated more every second and at peace each flitting moment.
And I was happy there. I didn't mind the days and the nights were sheer beauty. I had found what I was looking for and more. What had drawn me had not disappointed me, only left me in awe. In capturing all my affections, I was freed to love. This star was everything to me and will be until the end of time.
Pain is not proof that you are going the wrong way, only that you need to walk further.
"Why, you're hurting me now."
"I never said it wouldn't hurt you. I said it wouldn't kill you."
- The Great Divorce, C S Lewis.
- John 8: 31, 32