Wednesday, June 16, 2010

everyday restoration

Sometimes, I live inside of myself, lost in my little emotional world. I take everything personally and find meanings where none existed. Everything relates back to something else that makes me more miserably far away from God.

Other times, I live externally, focused on the things and people in the world. Everything I do is fun and happy, but I know the joy is hollow. Today was one of those days. Nothing was wrong, except that I couldn’t feel God.

Now, I don’t always have to feel God to know He exists. Just it is a whole lot easier to believe in somebody you can experience or are experiencing. I don’t care if it’s His love or His reproof I feel: I just want to know He is close. I hate being far away.

All the same, sometimes I am far away. My internal life makes me depressed. My external life is a hypocrisy. I somehow I want to combine my inner thought world and my outer action world… like where soul meets body?

{The further I’m from You, the harder I try to exist.}

Today, I was mad at God because I didn’t know where I stood with Him. I couldn’t feel Him and it was my fault. It’s always my fault if I can’t feel God. God is always there, so it can’t possibly His fault. But… why am I supposed to do all the work for this relationship? I thought He was supposed to save me!

But seriously, this has been annoying me for a very long time. Do we come to God? Or does God meet us where we are? Are we supposed to seek God and beg for forgiveness, even when we don’t know what there is to seek or repent? Or will God find me and whip me into shape?

{Take these blinds from my eyes and wake me from the inside}

Today I got an idea about the answer. It’s not about coming to or being met by God: it’s quite simply about needing Him. When it’s finally clear that you can’t keep your life together, call out to God and you can see Him. When you don’t how you’re going to get through, God appears and you can see Him.

The thing is, for any of that to happen, I need humility. Unless I am aware of my need for God, I can’t experience Him. And, this week, that was my exact problem. I read my Bible, prayed, encouraged others… all under the impression that I was okay and remembering that God was vaguely somewhere around me. Just, I didn’t need God. God was kind of my buddy that I hung out with for a bit in the morning and talked about with other people. This has been a week of unintentionally insincere love, coming from myself and not from God.

{I'm sorry my love failed again}

I don’t know how long it would have gone on like this, but tonight I took a walk outside and decided to talk it out with God. I told Him He was lame for making me do all the seeking. I told Him I didn’t know where I stood and He should hurry up and tell me, because I didn’t like the uncertainty. All of that didn’t make me feel much better. Instead, I just felt farther away from Him.

He gave me this verse (yes, again) and told me to be content with not always feeling Him.

I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
–Ps 116:9

I don’t have to worry about feeling Him… just keep walking before Him. But, if I am walking before Him, I have to be aware of what He wants in everything. I have to look at Him, know Him, serve Him. And thus ended my pride and began my restoration to the land of the living.

I am humbled. I can’t be close to somebody who I don’t need or love. That should have been obvious, but it took a while for me to discover that. Now, the question remains: how to need and love God every moment of my life? I don’t have that one down yet, but when I do, I’ll add the answer to this story of everyday restoration. Thanks for listening and loving.
{and hope does not put us to shame}