Sunday, April 25, 2010

fearless [confessions and rededication]

This week, I thought I had it all together. Many things in my life finally began to make sense. I realized that God knew what he was doing with me. During my times of confusion and separation, God taught me about hope and told me He was my home.

Everything that had been wrong about this semester was suddenly okay, because I understood now. It was happy.

Until I fell.

I don't even know what I mean when I say that. It's like I fell back into everything I was before Masters: insecure, alone, and unwilling to be helped.

And, I don't even know why. Wait. I do. I think it was realizing that I really don't know how to reach out to people. I am such a listener! If people want to talk to me, I am there for them. But if people don't want to talk, even though it might help them, I'm no good. I don't know what to say what or what to ask.

I'm not any good at taking an interest in people either. If we share something in common, I'm better... but plain old "being friendly" and asking people about their day to day life is hard. I live inside of myself. I want to be focused on others, not just focused on how others relate to me.

And, so, realizing the areas I fail sent me spiraling downwards into everything I never wanted to be again. I hated everything about myself and hated that people existed. People are such a problem for me. While they encourage and love me, I can never do anything for them!

Eventually, I was okay again. Sort of. I was guilty for letting myself get down that far. I don't like it down there and thought I was past that. I'm not and don't know if I ever will be.

That realization hurts. It makes me not want to even try. I want to stay asleep so I don't have to face life. I want to live in the dark because remaining in the light is too difficult.

And, I don't like that this is how I am. And, I don't like that I'm telling you this, because now you'll know that I'm an everyday failure who forgets the truth. I'm afraid of what you'll think of me and I'm sorry I haven't lived up to everything you thought I was. Why am I telling you this then? You didn't have to know. I am telling you this because:

With my victory, comes my defeat.
Praise be to Him who has overcome the world.

Truth matters and I am telling you these things because I wanted you to know that truth is beginning to matter to me too.

I still have questions. I always will. But God loves me and that's enough.

I'm not afraid now. I choose the light. Again.

I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
-Ps 116: 9
{and hope does not put us to shame}