Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Towards Unity...

Yesterday, I came to a realization that I’m not sure I like.

I live a divided life. Half of me is with the team, while the other half is here with my family. I am not whole.

Any time I am not directly interacting with my family, I am living inside of memories of tour…

Being this way is hard to avoid. I wonder if it is inevitable. I very much dislike being divided up like this, but knowing what is wrong with me is helping.

This morning, I was sitting outside thinking about my two lives. I can either choose to really love my family and spend less time with the team, or really love the team and spend less time with my family.

Part of me says, “Choose the team. They are the people who understand you, who know who you are, who will be there for you.” I think of all the times when I have failed to get along with or understand my family or felt like I just don’t belong anymore. They have all learned how to get by fine without me. In fact, they seem to be able function better without me in the way sometimes.

Then, I remember my lonely days on tour, when I figured that it didn’t make a difference whether I was there or not. My mind flashes back to the good times I had with my family before tour… taking walks in the park, laughing, singing, talking late into the night, learning… and I think that I must choose to invest in my family over the team.

But, I’ve come too far to choose one over the other. I love the team and I love my family. I don’t know how to blend my two worlds.

But do you know what? I think I have it all mixed up. Perhaps I shouldn’t attempt to balance between my family and the team. Perhaps I shouldn’t group those I love into two separate groups. Perhaps I don’t have to be divided.

What if.. what if I was whole? Wholly devoted to God, not to some people or other people.

If my first priority in life is God, He will show me how to spend my time and He will fill my desire for belonging.

So, I here I go again, attempting to love sincerely, but knowing that I cannot love anybody unless I love God first.

Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

–Ps 86:11
{and hope does not put us to shame}