Thursday, April 30, 2009

in love...

When we laugh so hard we cry
It's the love between you and I
Something beautiful

Maybe it's a case of post-regionals blues, or maybe it's the knowledge that I am graduating, or maybe it's just because I am a feeler... but I miss my friends. I miss you.

It's actually pretty painful. I've been thinking about everybody I miss all day for the past two days.

I want to see your smile, hear your voice, listen to your thoughts.

I don't like missing you, but I can't say I mind having to miss you. Missing you makes me feel emotional, which I love.

Sometimes, I think I am in love with my emotions.

I know, I should be in love with God, not my emotions... but emotions make my life so real, so vivid.

I was made to feel, not only think...

It's sad that I would rather feel something - anything - rather than be unemotional. I would rather be extremely lonely than feel nothing at all.

It annoys me to no end that I can't always feel emotional about God. I don't want to just read my Bible, I want to feel like doing something, feel inspired.

Without emotions, I feel so disconnected. I hate that.

Emotions connect me. I like that.

But here is what I learned today about emotions:

"Although it may be emotionally satisfying to say how much I miss you or to feel the pain of separation, if those feelings do not move us to action, then it is of little use — at least to others in need of love."*

Simply feeling is selfish. I have to do something with my feelings.

I am loved and I love, but thinking about love is pointless.

1 John 4:19 says, "We love because he first loved us." It is only because God loved us that we have the ability to love others at all.

God gives us love so that we can love others. God gives me emotions so that I can love others.

Whenever I next miss you, I am going to put that love into action. 

Maybe I will write you an email, or maybe I will pray for you, or maybe I will invest in somebody else who needs love... but at any rate I've had enough of empty, selfish emotions. 

It's time for fulfilling, selfless love.

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. 
- 1 John 3:18

*I edited this quote from an article by Hugh LaFollette and Larry May which Art quoted in her persuasive. The actual quote goes "Although it may be intellectually satisfying to determine whether children have a right to be fed or whether we have an obligation to assist them, if those arguments do not move us to action, then it is of little use — at least to the children in need."

Monday, April 27, 2009

comments on commenting

(I apolgize for the rather lame/predictable title to this post. It was too good to pass up! :D)

Today, I did two things that were very uncharactistic of me.  Actually, it was one thing, that I did twice. I commented on two blogs that I never commented on before.

Why did I do it? I had something to say.

Why is it uncharacteristic of me? I think I generally asume people don't like me. I am not sure if this is normal, but I do it all the time. So, I assume people would prefer I don't talk to them, and I keep out of the lives/blogs of people unless I know them really well. Unless they reach out to me first.*

Basically, my commenting I invaded this unsuspecting people's lives!

Thus, I am cross-examining and comparing myself and my comments, hoping to reasure myself that these bloggers aren't annoyed with me.
  • Were my comments actually worthwhile? or was it just me wanting to talk?
  • Are my comments detracting from the overall flow of the post? My comments don't foster any new discussion... they were just some thoughts I had
  • Are the other blog readers going to think I am shallow now? Or did my comment just reinforce that knowledge they already had?
No, I am not looking for answers from you all. I am not seeking comments that say you like receiving comments, even from Sensors like me. I am simply working through the problem that's been plaguing me as long as I can remember. In fact, it probably plagues everybody.

The problem of acceptance. Wanting to be "cool." Feeling you don't measure up to others.

I wonder if I am "cool" enough to comment on the blog posts of other people. Or will they just get annoyed...

But all this is selfish talk! How I look doesn't matter all that much.

So, if it doesn't matter, I can comment right? 

It is hard for me to get past my natural tendency to put people in boxes and rank them by their coolness factor. In commenting, I am saying "no" to the immature barriers I set up between myself and other perfectly human people. Essentially, commenting is a hard thing to do. And I did it.

All good, right?

Not so fast, girl. You can set aside your fears of being rejected, but that doesn't make commenting a good idea. 

The Bible calls me to be wise in what I say. My blog's title even suggests that I seek to speak only wholesome and constructive words.

It is too easy just to say whatever is on my mind without regard to wisdom.

I wonder if it is worth commenting at all, since I know my words are not always full of wisdom. Commenting for the sake of a shard of wisdom that may be burried within the comment is pretty lame. 

On the other hand, maybe... just maybe... my comments encourage the writer. I know I love comments, regardless of the the contents of the comment. It shows me that people care enough to say something. I like that. 

Maybe you like that too?

At any rate, I have figured out a few things:
  1. Commenting to make myself look good is sinful (besides being impossible for me!)
  2. Fear of looking bad is not an exuse for not commenting
  3. Employing wisdom in commenting is imperative.
Overall, commenting is rather difficult for me and now you know why. I am not sure if thinking about commenting so intensely will make me comment more or less, but at least I am more aware of my motives and more focused on wisdom.

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. 
-Proverbs 10:19

*I am not defending myself here... I realize this is yet another area in my life that must be surrendered to my Master.  :-/

Friday, April 24, 2009

what the world needs now...

(This post was written late last night and is not written "for" a certain person. It is written more to humanity in general. Oh, and if you don't understand the title to this post, you need to listen to more Daddy-music.)

Please don't ask me how my day is going. Please don't talk to me.  I can do this by myself. 

I don't want to depend on you. I am depending on God and I don't need you. No, you don't need me either, so I don't have to talk to you. 

I'll keep my life in order, and you keep yours. If I can do this alone, you can too.

No, please do not worry about me either. I don't matter. God's here and He's all that I need.

Above all, please do not compliment me. I told you, I don't matter. God matters. Go away.

I don't want to let you inside.

....

Oh, wait! How about you? Are you okay? I didn't know something was wrong! If you tell me what's wrong, I will be there for you. I love you. I will share as much time with you as you want, if that will help. I will even tell you how I felt when that hapened to me.

"When that happened to me"... yes, I got past that. God helped me and now I can help you.

-----

So prideful. I am appalled at my incredible self-centeredness.

It is like a mixure of two problems: my unwillingness invest in others and my unwillingness to be invested in.

In a way, though, I have it backwards. I am happy to invest in others, if they talk to me first. If you invest in me, you melt my heart. 

The thing is... I will solve your problems, but I don't want you to solve mine. 

No, still not right. I would love for you to help solve my problems actually... just you make me feel guitly. 

When you ask how I am doing, I am reminded how I never ask the same question back to you. 

So, can't we strike a deal? You don't encourage me, and I don't encourage you. 

I won't feel guitly that way.

-----

I am so caught up in my own thoughts that I never even wonder what others are thinking. I never even wonder how their day is really going.

I notice that when I walk down the hall, I rarely greet people verbally. I smile at them, for sure, but hardly ever will I give them a "Hi, how's it going?" or anything...

I keep to myself. I like to listen.

...or at least those are my excuses.

It drives me off the wall that I am so willing to just listen. I am just waiting for somebody to invest in me or waiting for somebody who needs me.

I am so contradictory. Very rarely will I seek out somebody to encourage me, but I expect others to come to me with their troubles.

Why am I not aware of who's around me, what their needs are, and matters to them? Why do I live in my own little world?

Why don't I take the trouble to get up and find someone to encourage?

The kindest, most loving thing you can do is get up and encourage me. It doesn't matter what you say; the fact that you are talking to me is enough. You smother my pride and break my heart (in a good way). You know what selfless love really is.

I feel profound effect of love and it humbles me. But, at the same time, I am unwilling to give you the same love you showed me.

Unless you ask for it.

So proud.

I know nothing about love. I know everything about selfishness. 

At the Reg10nals banquet, I talked about how NCFCA has given me a heart for others. I feel like a hypocrite. 

Or maybe, I just have more problems than I realized. 

Graduating doesn't mean I'm done learning about love.

-----

I just want to show you what I mean
I just want to love like you've never seen
Do you want to live like you used to dream?
Then I've got a song for you

-----

Hey! I'm sorry about being so self-centered the other day. Please don't give up on me. 

God said he would give me second chance. I am hoping you will too. 

Yes, I can survive without you and you can survive without me. But why survive when we can thrive? We can encourage eachother. 

How about this? I'll be a bit more observant, a bit more transparent, and a lot more humble, and we'll see where that takes us. 

I'm done being selfish and independent... and lazy. This life I live isn't mine anyway. 

So, please, will you give me another chance to show you real love?

-----

"A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." - John 13: 34

Saturday, April 11, 2009

quote war

1AC
Some vague plan.

1NC
“It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.” Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

2AC
Voltaire once said, “A witty saying proves nothing.”

2NC
“The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotations.” Isaac Disraeli, British writer and scholar

1NR
“Is there anyone so wise as to learn by the experience of others?” - Author and philosopher Voltaire

1AR
Charles F. Kettering, inventor, noted, “You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.” 

2NR

The established way of doing things is thus so because it has worked and created stability and prosperity in the past, do not rush to change.” - Alfred Fried, winner of the Nobel Prize for Peace in 1911.

2AR
"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy." - Robert Anthony, British statesman and prime minister

Who should win the round? Vote your comments!

fragments of thoughts

I spent a good portion of today thinking about emotions. I am still very confused about them. I've been writting a very long post about it, but I am too lost to go any farther today. 

Which reminds me of transparency. I don't like transparency. I could on and on why I don't like it. If I act exactly who I am (supposing that is actually possible to do):
  • people will reject me
  • I will hurt my witness for Chirst
  • people will make fun of me
  • people will like what I am, not who I am
But maybe I misunderstand transperency. Of course, people should "be themselves." But I don't think people should expose their whole selves to just anybody. 

I am absolutely terrified of transperency. But then, maybe everybody is. 

So, overall, I don't really have any conclusions to share today. Just fragments of thoughts.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there.

Friday, April 10, 2009

flowers

The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.
Isaiah 40:8

This post is just to say that:
  1. Flowers and spring are lovely things
  2. But like everything else lovely, they will pass away
  3. God is the only thing (for lack of a better word) that matters
  4. I changed my blogger theme/template
:)

the day i was an introvert

I just thought I should chroncle this mommentous event, and, perhaps, note what it was like.  

SePA tournament, Day 1:

Really tired. Can't breathe. Can't really talk either. I can think though!

Actually, I take that back. Katie had to spend 3 minutes of our prep time explaining the aff's case to me in round 2.

I am content to sit down and listen. Be silent and listening are beautiful things. 

When I do talk, I have to repeat myself, beacause I am talking too quietly.

When I am excited, people can finally hear me. Otherwise I am just too quiet.

I can't talk fast. I have to talk slowly in order to breathe. 

The introverted me still liked people, but didn't get up to find them. If they weren't around, I was a-ok just sitting there... zoned out.

I come home and I feel like sleeping, so I do.

Conclusions:
I have decided I was more sick than introverted. And, more tired than sick. That day, I would have been happy to be my normal bubbly extroverted self. 
{and hope does not put us to shame}