I feel like God is wonderful, all-powerful, and amazing. Through him, I can do anything. Do.
However, doing isn't the issue. I want to be. As a imitator of Christ and a Christian, I need to act like it.
But I'm failing. Why?
Do I try to hard? Or am I striving for the wrong goals? Or do I just need persistence?
Part of the problem is that I want to speed up the process. I want to be the perfect witness now. It's unattainable, but I want it nonetheless. Why?
I want to speak and act for God. I want people to see me and say, "She's a Christian." I want virtues and love to pour out effortlessly. I want. That could be another part of the problem.
I am discontent with who I am. Sure contentment is important, but how content am I supposed to be? If I was perfectly happy with me now, I'd never change my ways and never grow up, right?
I need to be. I need to be now.
Impatient for God to work in me. I forget that I am God's agent, whom he deploys where he sees fit and assigns duties at his discretion. I forget that I am God's.
Just as I am making some progress, I regress again. Being God's is not enough. I have big goals and I can't possible make it. I'm not good enough, wise enough, or nice enough. My mom is reading a book called "Leading with a Limp." It recognizes that no leader is perfect. Neither am I, but I am so SO far from perfect I'm hopeless. All that God can do, doesn't help with my being human.
Or does it? Who am I listening to?
God cares about every aspect of my life. He loves me incredibly just as I am, as a human. He wants me to be like him, but he loves me all the same.
But love isn't enough. It doesn't achieve goals. God's love won't make me into a good, wise, or nice person. Or will it?
To live is Christ, to die is gain. It is all about Jesus. God's in charge and he knows what he's doing with me. Since he can work everything out, it is no business of mine how God goes about it.
But now we've made a full circle! I can trust God completely for my future, but I am afraid I won't be good enough by then. I want to be content in God's timing, but what if I'm the one who's just too slow to become like Christ?
I am so miserable.
2 Cor 10:18 -
"For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends."
What if I just tried to please God in my every day actions? What if I said, "All my goals are your department, God. I am just going to serve you"? I would ask God to help me be faithful in that little. I could do that. I can be a little, inadequate servant, if God is there to help me.
Always leaning on him, I won't be very strong or great. But I will have the great and strong One behind me and that is what counts. It doesn't matter who I am. It is all about the why. It's by grace, for glory. Another other way, any other reason fails.